


The Best Laid Plans

by JennaLee



Category: British Actor RPF, British Comedy RPF, Rhett & Link, The Mighty Boosh RPF, The Russell Brand Show
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blowjobs, Double-Ended Dildo, Foursome, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Rimming, Sex Toys, Smut, Spanking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-08 03:25:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 23,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5481650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennaLee/pseuds/JennaLee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Russell Brand calls up Noel Fielding after watching a show online called Good Mythical Morning. As usual, he's got a terrible and wonderful idea.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Russell proposes an idea to Noel.

“Oh, my God,” the exasperated voice on the other end of the phone exclaims.

Russell Brand is used to those words, and that tone. Plenty of people call him annoying. Funnily enough, they still sleep with him afterward. He likes to think it’s part of his charm.

“Noel, my darling,” he begins, “what am I to do with you, when you turn down an offer this sweet?”

“Oh, my God,” Noel Fielding says again. “I don’t even know these people. You don’t even know these people.”

“They’re on the Internet. They’re Youtubers,” Russell explains patiently. “Smoking hot Youtubers who are totally banging each other.”

“How do you know they’re together? Are they out publicly, then?”

“No, darling, but you should see the gifs I have. It’s too obvious.”

“So they’re doing it in secret, you think.”

“I don’t think. I know.”

“Russell.”

“Noel Fielding,” Russell sings back, enjoying his game.

“I don’t understand why you think any of this is leading into your plan.”

“You should have a look at the small one. He looks like you. Other people have said so.”

“Nobody looks like me.”

“Except a few Goth girls from Camden.”

“Right. So what’s this is about bumming my look-alike?”

“You could be brothers.” Russell enjoys a small fantasy while Noel descends into silence.

“Brothers. That’s what this is about? Your weird thing for siblings? It doesn’t happen that way in real life.”

“Poor Noel,” sighs Russell dramatically. “You are an old, old man, and you have travelled the world, and yet you have not found wisdom. Think of whom you are speaking to. I can get anybody I want. They will do whatever I want. I’ve got secret techniques. Some may call them powers.”

“Old?” Noel splutters. “I’m only two years older than you.”

“And yet you’re at home, in your bathrobe, watching the weather channel and drinking a mug of hot Bovril. Probably bitching about the kids on your lawn. Waving your cane at them.”

There’s a pause, and the distinct clink of a mug being set down on a table. “Fuck.”

Russell brays laughter into the phone until his sides hurt. Noel really is a darling. Russell misses him terribly. It’s been too long. 

“Come, Noel, I miss you,” he tells him earnestly, sweet as candy floss. “We needed an excuse to get together. And I found it.”

“You don’t miss me. You just want to get laid.” Noel tries to sound stony, but Russell knows him too well. He falls for Russell’s pleading every damn time.

“Can’t it be both? One last romp, before we get so old and grey that our cocks wither up like little raisins.”

“Little raisins. God.”

“Speaking of old men, darling, is that the problem? Are these adorable men simply too old for you?”

“Too old? What? They’re both younger than us,” Noel points out, honestly confused.

Russell grins. He’s fallen right into it. “Well, I thought you might like ‘em young. You know, after the Jedward incident.”

A sharp clang as Noel drops his mug. “How did you – ”

“Now, now, you know I won’t tell anyone that you fucked two underage twinks – ”

“ _Underage?!_ ”

“Oh Mr. Fielding!” cries Russell in a terribly exaggerated, ear-damaging Irish accent. “We’ve never done this before, and we’re so terribly confused. Please show us how everything works! What’s that in your pants? Oh, it’s so big.”

“They were _nineteen_! They weren’t fucking virgins!” Noel sounds honestly distressed. 

“ _Teen_. Nine _teen_. Teenagers, you dirty old man.”

“Christ. They came onto me, and started kissing me and talking about the Boosh, saying they’re my biggest fans, and they love sucking cock, and what the fuck was I supposed to do with that?”

“Darling,” Russell says affectionately, “you did the right thing. I’m very proud of you. Twins! You had a threesome with twins before I did. I am honoured to be your friend, love.”

Noel mutters something darkly. Russell pays him no mind. 

“This is why you must help me get these lovely American dolls. You owe me, Noel. You haven’t even given me all the details of your little romp with those two little blonde twinks less than half your age.”

He hears Noel shuffling around, fidgeting. Good. That means he’s actually considering Russell’s idea. Noel could never come to a decision without fiddling with everything in a six foot radius, including his hair, his face, spare paperclips, his hair, pens, the contents of his pockets, and his hair.

Russell prods. “They’re cute. I’ll show you.”

“I have Google, alright?” Noel snaps. “This old man _does_ have an iPhone.”

“Go on then, Google them.”

“I did, you hairy arsecrack. They’re attractive, I get that…”

“Would you like to see a gif of them spraying whipped cream into each other’s mouths? Or would you prefer to watch them squirt milk all over their lips and chins?” Russell had made a playlist of the hottest episodes he’s seen.

Noel sighs. “You’re not being helpful at all.”

“They’re either already fucking, or they both want to fuck. And we can help them out with that. Oh, it’s so deliciously obvious. Watch a little bit. Tell me what you think.”

“Oh, come on! Not everyone lives in a pornographic film like you do. Did you even bother to read anything about them? Aren’t they married?”

“Forget the details, darling, all that matters is that they make little Russell very hard.”

“You’re awful. We – you ought to know more about them as people before you try to get them in bed.”

“They kissed on the lips once. Well, through this pane of glass. And the one said he’s got a tight anus.”

“He did _not_ ,” Noel sighs. “Who says that? I’m reading some stuff. They’re married. They have kids. They’re family friendly and whatnot. They don’t even curse on their show. They go to church.”

“Google it, Noel. Google is your friend. Make sweet, sweet love to Google.” 

“That sounds gross. Do you ever listen to yourself?” 

“Look at the dark haired one. That’s the one with the tight ass. What do you think?”

“Lovely.” Noel tries to sound bored but Russell _knows._

“He’s got to be wild in the bedroom, too, you can just tell. He’s taken it up the ass. Look at that face and tell me you don’t want to fuck him senseless.”

“So does that mean you want the bearded one?”

“Darling, I want both of them to sit on my face. I’m just trying to see what you like better. I already know you like brunets.” Russell grins and fluffs his own dark hair. “But you also love my beard, so it’s a toss-up, innit? And Rhett’s got that Jedward hair.”

“I do like tall men,” Noel offers. “Calling that Jedward hair is an insult to him, though. Rhett actually has a nice haircut. Stylish, really. Futuristic.”

“That’s the spirit, Noel! You can have him if you like! You can find out if he’s blond all over. And if his, you know, his todger, is proportionate to his body. He’s like nine feet tall. And I’ll take the small strange one.”

“I don’t think he’s small. I think he’s only small next to Rhett.” He was right. Noel stood about five-foot-nine, and Russell was a shade taller. 

“He’s got little vampire teeth, doesn’t he? Little daggers. I want to lick them. And tell him to be very very careful when he’s got my cock in his mouth.”

“What, you’re going to meet him and expect him to just drop to his knees? And I thought we were aiming for an orgy, not pairing off.”

“No, no, no. We will meet, and you will be there, and together we will charm and flatter them. One on one, for best results. Then, oops, we accidentally all end up in the same room. Then we use our natural animal magnetism, and the night will end in a foursome. An orgy. How many people makes an orgy, Noel? Is four enough?”

“Or we walk up to two fucking strangers and you start making obscene jokes until they call security, and then you end up trying to fuck me, as usual.”

“Trying? Noel, the only person who can get in your pants faster than me is your Julian.”

Noel splutters and huffs, but can’t manage a denial. 

“Shhh, Noel. This will be fun. Have a little faith in your Russell.”

“I have faith in your ability to make a complete arse out of yourself, and possibly grope one or both of them and scar them for life.”

“Well darling, that’s good enough for me.” 

“You’re disgusting.”

“I’m joking, you wanker. Actually, I’m wounded. I’ve never needed to sneakily grope anybody. I’m the one who can’t fight off all the lovely lads and ladies my milkshake brings to the yard. Mutual, consensual, spiritual sexual bonding, Noel, I’d have it no other way. So are you going to do this or what? Must I come over and woo you? Play the boombox outside your window until you come outside? Turn off the telly, what are you even watching? I hear Jimmy Carr. That’s not the voice you want to think about when contemplating some next-level lovemaking.”

“Alright, keep your ‘air on!” It sounds like Noel has a mouthful of liquid. There’s a dirty joke in there somewhere but Russell decides not to interfere with Noel’s thought process. A whisper of rustling static comes through the line as if Noel is shifting his phone from one ear to the other. The telly turns off, cutting short Jimmy Carr’s ridiculous laugh. “I still don’t get why you think this is a good idea.”

“When is a foursome not a good idea?”

“When we need to go all the way to America to have one with two probably straight men.”

Russell sighs very loudly. “I’m going to send you some links to a few episodes of their show. You’ll see. They’re such sweet little innocents, I love it. I bet they think doggy style bumming with a little bit of rope or spanking is ‘hardcore’. We are going to rock their world.”

“Right.” Noel still sounds doubtful. “I guess the weather will be a touch warmer in LA. And I could go shopping.” Noel loves to shop for clothes. He’s got eclectic but attractive taste. “Melrose Avenue, Rodeo Drive…” 

“You can go shopping after we go to this convention and take our prizes and fuck them senseless.”

“So after the convention, we’ll let you have a quick wank in the bathroom, and then you’ll come with me to the American Apparel factory store.”

“I’ve got no idea why you can’t open your mind and accept my greatness.”

“I’ve got no idea why I’m still friends with you.”

“I love you too, you cheeky bastard. My dark angel, my ickle sugar dumpling, my sweet puddin’ pop – ”

“Hmmm,” Noel hums as if annoyed, but Russell can practically _hear_ his blush through the phone.

He won’t stop until Noel says it and they both know it. “My raven-haired vision of delight, my pumpkin pie, why have you forsaken me, Noel?”

“I love you too, Russell, damn you.”

**

Noel watches two episodes of Good Mythical Morning and keeps reminding himself to try and see some more, but his schedule is packed and he doesn’t get the chance. Before he knows it, the day is upon them and they’re on a flight to America for the convention.

Noel is used to sleeping on planes, and he uses Russell as a pillow for the entire seven hours in various stages between dead asleep and lightly dozing. Russell smells like paint, dust, patchouli, tomato sauce, and sex, but Noel is used to it. The man’s hair is more conservative than it’s been in years past but it’s still a long curly wiry mass. It looks a bit like out-of-control pubes, but somehow the whole package is still handsome. Noel pushes his face into the silky fabric of Russell’s shirt and drools a little in his sleep and Russell is too much of a gentleman to tease him about it.

Russell somehow stays awake the whole time, gesturing animatedly as he talks to the passengers sitting across the aisle. He shouts and curses and eats half of Noel’s crappy lukewarm meal but leaves him the packet of crisps. He tells the balding businessman across the aisle about globalization and capitalism and the ever-growing divide between the rich and the poor. From time to time, he strokes the back of Noel’s neck. A typical flight with Russell.

Knackered and bleary-eyed, his trousers too tight and itchy and his hair greasy, Noel lets Russell find a hotel. Russell gets him naked and in the shower in two seconds but neither man is much interested in sex for once. Noel’s skin is buzzing and his feet feel light and floaty. After, they end up curled up together on the bed like one big pretzel while Russell drones on about aliens, classical music, seeing David Walliams at the corner shop last week and his recent interest in high fashion. Noel nods along until Russell falls asleep mid-sentence and begins to snore loudly.

Sudden blissful silence. Noel opens his laptop and signs into Youtube. Rhett and Link’s channel was on his recommended list now. Easy to find. He watches a fan’s playlist of videos, and laughs when they get their chests waxed and when they eat spicy chillis. He clicks through to Good Mythical More and ends up becoming engrossed in their personal stories. Finally, he sees the kiss Russell had mentioned. It was spontaneous and silly – something he and Julian would do on telly, but far less explicit – and Noel replays it three times before stopping the video and leaning back to close his eyes and think. He’s not blind. He could see the effect the kiss had on Link. That dumbstruck look, the glazed eyes, the flood of new sensations and emotions as if he’s only just realized how good it could feel to be kissed by another man. He’s a bit old for such a revelation, but then again Noel is biased. Growing up in a liberal home, always the strange art kid, used to being different, never really at odds with his attraction to the same gender. His mum always supported him, and so did his friends. From what he knows of American culture in a small southern town, it might have been harder for Link to accept those desires. Maybe Russell was right, maybe they could help the two of them discover new things for all four of them to enjoy –

Noel rubs his eyes hard with the heels of his hands. The last bit of his black eyeliner comes off on his palms. When Russell started making sense, it was a sure sign of being overtired. His mind drones on wildly with bursts of vivid imagery.

Rhett. So handsome, with those seductive eyebrows and funny hair and that smoking charismatic masculinity that’s somehow so _Julian_ that it hurts. But where Julian is tall, Rhett is enormous – five inches taller than Ju, incredibly. Noel wants to know how long those legs are when the man is naked, what it would be like to wrap his arms around a man so tall. 

And Link. Exuberant, quirky, sociable, sometimes cute, sometimes just plain sexy. Despite the adorable lack of cussing and the occasional naïve remark, he has a way of smirking that makes Noel think Russell is right about him probably being quite kinky. There’s a cheekiness there that’s not entirely unlike Russell, and it even reminds Noel a bit of Richard Ayoade. His eyes are such a gorgeous clear blue.

Noel feels his heart thump. His cock is stiff. He wonders if he has time for a quick wank.

“I told you so,” Russell says suddenly.

Noel jumps. “Bloody ‘ell! You scared me.”

“Told you, told you so,” Russell keeps singing, unconcerned.

“Told me what?”

“You like them. You want them. I was right; this is a good idea.”

“Bugger off and go to sleep.”

“Don’t get shirty with me. Don’t you want a little help with your stiffy?”

“Will it make you shut up?”

“If you do it right.”

“Fine. A quick shag.”

“With me and you, there’s no other kind. You drive me crazy, Noel, my darling. Come here and make love to me.”

They fall asleep in each other’s arms. Noel’s almost forgotten that tomorrow is the big day.


	2. Chapter 2

“Hey, hello little bird, have we met? No? Oh, that’s a shame. That’s a sin, really, I can think of all sorts of fun things we’ve been missing out on together over the years. Darling, I’m Russell, and this is Noel. Noel, have you met this man? I don’t know him but I’m going to call him Cutie Pie.”

Noel grimaces and tries to make an apologetic face as he shakes Link Neal’s hand. They’d been here for almost two hours. It’s noisy and crowded and full of young relevant people that Noel doesn’t know. He feels very old and very conspicuous. He’s in his favourite shiny silver pointy boots and a matching belt, skin-tight black jeggings and a colourful poncho with deep purple tones that awaken all the colour in his eyes. His handbag is a bright violet with rainbow gems he glued on himself, and he loves the way it throws off sprays of multicoloured lights. But the hotel’s crappy shampoo made his hair dry funny and his face is stubbly and there are bags beneath his eyes. The flight had tired him out more than he’d thought. 

Russell chose a classy, silky black-and-white ensemble tight enough to outline his generous junk – naturally – and a huge blanket scarf patterned with the Union Jack. Silver bangles adorn his wrists and numerous rings shine brightly from his flighty hands. Almost everyone else is in nice shirts and jeans with blazers, or casual suits, and most fans are in jeans and T-shirts from their favourite Youtubers’ online stores. The events are over and a formerly coordinated meet and greet has turned into almost a party. People are milling about everywhere. Russell and Noel had finally gotten the chance to worm through the crowds to accost their targets.

“My name is Link, actually.” The American man looks so sweet and innocent that Noel feels absurdly guilty for going along with Russell’s plan. Or trying to, anyway. “I like your poncho. And your bag, oh wow. That’s cool.”

“Thanks!” Noel brightens. He takes the ends of the poncho in his hands and flaps it about so Link can see all of it. The compliment sounded sincere and that was a good sign. His style was hit or miss in others’ eyes. While GQ had named him runner-up for Britain’s best-dressed male, he’d been told by another radio host that he showed up for awards shows looking like a ‘dog’s dinner’. It was good to know that Link enjoyed his sense of fashion. Noel loved looking unique. “Ignore Russell, okay. He’s not right in the head. He’s got something wrong with him.”

“Oh. Is he contagious?” Link asks teasingly. He really is cute, Noel reflects. Russell’s taste is questionable at best, but he struck gold here. Link was even cuter than he was on Youtube. His raven hair shone brilliantly under the lights and his bold blue eyes were intelligent and friendly beneath his slightly nerdy glasses. Broad shoulders, nicely toned arms, a lean waist and some nice curves at the hip. Noel doesn’t want to stare, but he makes a mental note to check out his butt when he turns around. Link shares Noel’s affinity for skinny trousers and they look damn good on him. He’s larger than Noel had thought; Link’s taller by a few inches and probably has thirty-five pounds on him at the very least. Russell and Julian have both often described Noel as a ‘wee slip of a man’ and it’s true. His build is undeniably feminine – but a lot of men and women like it. Maybe Link would, too.

“They call me the Sex Magnet.” Russell tells Link, and extends his arm with a sweeping bow as if about to escort royalty into the throne room. When Link takes his hand politely Russell grasps it with both of his and brings it to his mouth to kiss. “I’m like the sun, the shining centre of our solar system, and everyone wants to come get stuck in my gravitational field. Do I detect a big, throbbing – ahem – _aura_ of sexual energy between us?”

“I hadn’t thought about it,” Link allows Russell to keep his hand in a loose grasp. “Maybe it’s Markiplier. I hear he can have that effect on people.”

Noel hasn’t a clue what a Markiplier is and doesn’t know if Russell does either.

Russell doesn’t let his ignorance faze him. “Well, as Voltaire said, pleasure is the object, duty, and the goal of all rational creatures. So, love, what say we – ”

“It’s more like poison ivy,” Noel breaks in, dryly. “Keep paying attention to it and it’ll get worse.” To Russell, he snaps, “If anything gets stuck in your _gravitational field_ it’s probably because of the half-can of Aquanet holding your rat’s nest of a hairstyle up.”

Link is laughing, charmed, or at least being polite. Most people assume Russell’s outrageousness is an act. Noel knows better.

Noel physically pushes Russell aside. “Don’t encourage him. We actually just wanted to tell you that we’re big fans. I was watching your show at the hotel last night.”

“Really? Thank you!” Link’s smile widens. “I can’t believe I have real celebrity fans.”

Noel is flattered, but tries to be smooth. A real celebrity? Only one person at the convention has recognized him so far. Granted, this is America, and it is a Youtube convention. And Noel is a has-been amongst people under twenty or so. “Is Rhett here with you?” he asks casually, like he doesn’t know.

“Oh, yeah.” Link turns to scan the crowd. “He’s coming this way now, actually. He was just talking to our producer.”

Noel follows his line of sight and spots the familiar other half of the Internet duo. He’s easy to pick out of a crowd, mostly because he’s so tall that his head and shoulders stick up out of the sea of bodies. When he thinks of someone called a producer, he pictures a stuffy older man, but the woman Rhett had just been talking to with is a young, pretty blonde.

“Rhett!” Link gestures with an uplifted hand. “Right here!”

Noel tries to look innocuous and natural, but suddenly Russell is cutting across his field of vision and prancing straight towards the tall bearded Youtuber.

“Rhett!” he bellows like they’re old friends, so loud that half the people around them turn, startled. “You’re much taller in person, mate!”

Noel wants to cover his face. Russell’s not wrong. Looking at Rhett coming towards him feels slightly surreal; his height is practically inhuman. If it weren’t for the friendly nature Noel had perceived from watching the duo’s show, it might be quite intimidating. Fleetingly, Noel thinks of Russell’s inappropriate suggestion to find out if the rest of Rhett is just as big. It would almost be too much to handle if it were true.

Rhett sounds amused. “I get that a lot. Hey, I know you.”

“Do you! Do you know my friend too? He’s the one flirting with your gorgeous minx of a comedy partner there.”

“Russell, damn you,” Noel mutters, but smiles like he didn’t hear when Rhett turns to study him.

“I think so. Noel Fielding, right? Link and I watched some episodes of The Mighty Boosh. Somebody told us that one of our sketches reminded them of what you call _crimping_ on your show.”

Link suddenly looks a little embarrassed. Noel takes note.

“And what about me?” Russell cocks a hip and strikes a pose.

“Russell Brand,” Rhett says. “You’re just like your character in _Get Him To the Greek._ ”

“Oh, yeah. Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll, baby. Cut the drugs. I’ve been clean for a while. Thirteen years, actually. Most people think that’s an unlucky number, but I’m feeling rather lucky tonight. Well, rather, I feel like I might _get_ lucky, if you know what I mean. I’m a good boy now. Mostly. Unless you like bad boys, in which case I’ll be _very_ naughty for you.”

“Better not. Santa’s still watching.”

“Oh, bollocks to Santa, I can give you whatever you want if you come sit on _my_ lap. You can just perch on my knee if you like, but if you’re feeling ever so slightly amorous you may shuffle backward towards my – candy cane.”

“God, he’s embarrassing,” Noel mutters out loud. Rhett doesn’t respond much to the dirty comment, but just smiles, looking cool and collected and entirely impervious to Russell’s sexual advances. 

“He’s kind of funny,” Link admits to Noel, giving Russell a calculating look. “In a vulgar way.” He runs his fingers through his hair and Noel catches a glimpse of belly as his shirt rides up. There’s a moment where he thinks Rhett’s eyes flicker over for half a second and catch him staring, but Noel can’t be sure. He waits for annoyance or anger to flicker across the handsome face but Rhett looks serene and indifferent.

“I guess he can be.” Noel is starting to feel butterflies in his stomach. He’s not supposed to be developing a case of the schoolgirl jitters right now. He’s forty-two years old and that’s too old for giggles and crushes. Plus, he’s only here to humour Russell. Isn’t he?

Russell, having played out his outrageous persona, calms down a bit and begins to discuss American politics with Rhett, who seems interested enough in what Russell has to say to cautiously engage in the risky subject. Russell is bold, opinionated, and well-read, and loves debate almost as much as he loves getting laid. After a while, Noel overhears the two men expand to world issues. As soon as Rhett mentions something about the IMF creating debt slavery, Russell’s eyes light up like a small child being presented with a new puppy, and most of the licentiousness fades quick as a wink – for now, at least. 

Link turns his head from one man to the other, listening with a half-smile. Noel’s mind wanders off. He’s not stupid, despite playing the fool often for his comedy career. He’s got opinions and likes to talk about serious things, too – not just art and fashion and music . At the moment, though, it doesn’t feel right. He can tell Russell is actually becoming more interested in Rhett by the second, which means that, according to their ‘plan’, it’s Noel’s job to seduce Link. 

Rhett dips his head down towards Russell to listen over the noise of the crowd and Noel has the brief fleeting thought that the Russell looks quite like an owl and Rhett looks like a proud eagle. _And what are you? A flamingo, brilliantly coloured but not strutting about. Or a magpie, collecting shiny things,_ he answers his own question. What is Link? _Not a bird,_ Noel reflects. _An otter, playful and intelligent, sleek and loving._ He cuts his eyes away before anyone catches his calculating stare.

Link doesn’t seem as interested in the conversation as Rhett. Noel decides to seize the moment. “D’you fancy a drink?” Noel asks, even though there’s just a vending machine and it’s not like it’s some grand gesture to walk over to it.

“What? Oh, sure, good idea.” Link lets Noel lead the way. 

Noel has some American change in his pocket, and gets himself a Sprite. The coldness of the can is lovely in his clammy hands. He lays his hand on the button pad. “What would you like, Link?” he asks, trying out the flavour of the man’s name on his tongue. 

“I can get it, but thanks.”

Noel feels his lips tighten a little, embarrassed, and then Link does a double take. “Oh,” he says. “Oh, okay. I’ll have a Coke.”

Noel has a suspicion that Link only just realized that Noel was interested, and his lack of concern and willingness to engage was…well, very encouraging. He pushes more coins through the slot, presses the button and hands the cold Coca-Cola to Link, who smiles so brightly that Noel’s breath catches.

“Thank you,” Link says. He closes his eyes and presses the can to the back of his neck for a moment, looking blissful; his forehead has a thin sheen of sweat from the warmth inside the building. Then he pops the tab top and tips his head back to take a long drink. His prominent Adam’s apple bobs sharply in his throat as he swallows. When he’s done his lips glisten with moisture and he smacks them together in appreciation. “Mmmm, that’s good,” Link nearly moans. “It’s dry in here and I’ve been talking forever. I was really thirsty. Thanks, Noel.”

Noel tries very hard to remain calm and is pretty sure he does a good job until he realizes he’s been standing with his mouth dropped open for a good five seconds. How did a man make drinking soda look sexy? That milky stretch of neck practically begs to be kissed and licked and nuzzled. Noel wants to massage the broad shoulders until Link sags back against him and tips his head back to let Noel have access to his sensitive ears and neck.

Link’s eyes are sparkling with something mischievous. “What are you looking at? Something on my face?”

“No,” Noel manages to say through his dry lips. It occurs to him that the tables have been turned on him. He’s not going to be able to play suave and sexy with Link. If anything, he’s helpless, pinioned completely by Link’s knowing look. _Compliment him. Smile. Do something. Say something funny. You’re a comedian, for Christ’s sake._

Link takes pity and lobs him a gentle bit of conversation. “So what are you guys doing in LA?”

“Russell wanted to come.” That had the benefit of not being entirely a lie. “He asked me along and it seemed like fun. I’ll get to do a little shopping. The next time I’ll be on this continent is for my upcoming tour and I’ll be too busy then to get anything else done.”

“Upcoming tour?” Link looks at Noel more closely. “You must be excited.”

“A bit, yeah. It’s my first solo North American tour.” Noel grins, proud of himself but not wanting to brag too much. “ _An Evening with Noel Fielding._ Starts in March.”

“That’s pretty brave, man. I could never perform by myself. Especially live on a stage like that. I mean, I’ve always worked with Rhett. I don’t know what in the world I’d do myself.”

“I _love_ being on stage. And I get to work with such great people. My brother plays my wife in this one bit, actually – it’s genius, always gets loads of laughs. I’m more scared of the curtain closing too soon. I don’t even care if some people think I’m awful. Any reaction is good, when it comes to art. All my professors used to tell me the same thing.”

“That’s what art is, isn’t it?” Link muses. “Eliciting a response. Not necessarily a positive one. Did you go to art school?”

“Yep, Croydon Art College, and then I got my BA in graphic design and advertising from Buckinghamshire. What did you do, before the Youtube thing?”

“Rhett and I both went for engineering at NC State. I worked for IBM.”

Noel stares. “Really?”

“What, I don’t look like an engineer?”

“I’m not sure what I was expecting you to say. Maybe a kindergarten teacher. And I thought maybe you went to acting school.”

Link chuckles. “A kindergarten teacher!”

“Not a good guess?” Noel doesn’t let on that he’s seen one of the episodes where Link was with his kids, looking so comfortable and happy in the role of a father. Noel has never been a father, just sometimes an ‘uncle’ to his friends’ kids – the man who brought cool gifts but was never the first to call for a babysitter. He likes kids well enough but knows he’ll never have the sort of attitude kids instinctively trust and respect and listen to.

“I don’t think I’d have the patience. I’m too OCPD. Too controlling. Being in charge of like twenty little kids would give me a heart attack. Acting school would interest me more now than it did when I was a teenager. So, your new tour, is it a lot of acting – kind of like the Mighty Boosh live shows you did?”

“Yeah, and I do some solo stand-up like I used to, and do all the most popular characters from the Boosh, a little music. A bit of everything, really.” Noel keeps his tone light so as to not betray his bouncing excitement at just how good things have been going for him. The _Telegraph_ called his show ‘utterly hilarious’ and suggested that the first half alone was worth the money. “It’s a bit old-school, very low-fi, cheesy special effects, that sort of thing. Like the bit where I’m the Moon – it’s just me covered in shaving foam.”

Link laughs and leans forward. “I’ve seen you as the Moon. It was great. So can I ask what you enjoyed about our show? Your humour seems so different. Very wild and out there – and with Rhett and I, it’s much more tame in comparison.”

“I like…escapism, yeah.” Noel begins hesitantly. “Outlandish stuff, dressing up, playing with the audience, doing all sorts of characters and painting my face and what have you. It’s a style that’s not really popular now, I guess. It’s different nowadays.”

“A lot of comedians aim to lampoon current events,” Link suggests. “And on TV there’s nothing but ‘reality’ shows.”

“Yeah, exactly! Oh, I hate reality shows. I’ve always thought of comedy as something that’s s’posed to take your mind off of the crap going on in the world, even just for a few minutes. The reality is that a lot of things about our society are pretty depressing. But we have all this imagination to use. You don’t need vulgarity or social satire, although I’m not opposed to either at the right times. A lot of humour today is just garbage, really. Recycled and forgettable. Television is worse.”

“But not us?” Link sips his Coke and tilts his head slightly.

“No. You’ve got good stage presence,” Noel answers honestly. “You and Rhett have a connection that’s engaging and enjoyable. It’s very personal and fun to be a part of. You don’t take yourselves too seriously.” _It reminds me of how Julian and I were, in the old days, before he decided he wanted a normal family more than me. Intimate and loving._ A little stab of pain goes through Noel’s heart like a tiny ice-pick. He bears through the pain and keeps his face neutral. “It sort of reminds me of me and my old Boosh co-star Julian,” he manages to get out.

“That’s nice to hear. Thank you.” Link tells him in a subdued voice that lets Noel know he’s not as good at controlling his face as he thinks he is. The other man regards him with compassion for a long moment. Then Link reaches down and squeezes Noel’s free hand briefly and Noel’s face gets hot.

The two men hold eye contact with each other until a loud burst of noise from a group of teenaged girls breaks the spell. Link drops Noel’s hand and brings his can to his lips again.

“Did your friend kidnap Rhett?” Link asks mildly as he scans the crowd with those sapphire eyes. Noel has the sudden urge to get his makeup bag out to give Link a quick makeover. Those eyes would be absolutely soul-piercing with a little bit of black smudged liner, like Noel himself has on. Then Link’s words actually get through to him and he whips his head around.

“What?” Russell and Rhett are no longer standing where they were. “Bollocks. Where did they go?” Noel cranes his neck. Rhett should be easy to spot, but he can’t see that ridiculous (and sexy) hair anywhere.

“I’m not sure. Should we be concerned?”

“A little bit. Russell can be, well…very charming, I s’pose.” Noel doesn’t really understand Russell’s ability to shag whoever he wants.

“He likes Rhett?”

“Yeah, he does.”

Link chuckles. “Should we lead a search party?”

“We’ll go to the event organizers and get them to make an overhead announcement.”

“Like when a child loses its parents in a grocery store?”

“Yeah, brilliant! Or we could try and speak very loudly about how well capitalism is working for the world and how wonderful the Royal Family is. Russell will come running, I promise you.”

“Oh goodness. I don’t even know much about the Royal Family. I just remember the wedding where everyone was wearing those – you know, those funny little – ” Link points to the side of his head and gives a lopsided grin.

“Those little hats!”

“Yeah, what’s up with that? Is that a British thing?”

“I’ve got no idea. I’m a fan of hats but I’m not sure about those. They look well ridiculous. Remember that one on the princess that looked like a great bagel?”

Link giggles and adjusts his glasses. “I remember I laughed so hard when Jimmy Carr asked you if you were being serious, and you looked up at him all innocently and said, ‘I am being serious! I’ve got my serious hat on!’ And it was this crazy thing with ears on it…”

“Wait, you watched that?” Link’s talking about Big Fat Quiz of the Noughties, where he was paired with Richard. It’s not the sort of thing most Americans would know about, and it’s certainly not even one of the best-known BFQYs. 

“Uh.” Link reddens. “I do this thing a lot where I stick my foot in my mouth. Wow, um. Yeah, I might know you a little better than I let on. I didn’t want to sound like a geeky fanboy.”

Noel feels nothing but wonderment. Has Link been downplaying his interest in him to play it cool? “Don’t worry about it, it’s sort of cute,” he blurts, and wants to hide his face immediately.

_Are we two grown men, or two twelve year old girls? Calling him cute, thinking about doing his makeup…Good fucking god, Fielding, get it together._

An explosion of noise from the other side of the vending machine makes them both jump. Noel recognizes Russell’s cackling and prays to God he hasn’t caused too much trouble in the ten minutes or so that he was left unsupervised. 

Rhett rounds the machine first and Noel watches Link’s eyes light up. When the two men see each other, there’s a powerful electric spark that jumps between them. Noel isn’t sure whether he’s jealous or intrigued.

“It’s dry in here, huh?” Rhett fumbles coins from his pocket. “I could use a bottle of water. It’ll help me occupy my hands too.”

“Your hands?” Noel quickly asks before Russell can get to the joke first.

“I’ve been seriously trying to stop biting my nails,” Rhett says, lips curving just a little in a pleased way, like he’s super proud of himself. “It’s tough, though, sometimes I just need to be doing something with my mouth.”

Noel groans and puts his face in his hands. Rhett is too innocent for his own good.

Russell doesn’t fail to disappoint. “Well, isn’t that funny? I happen to have something right here that you can put in your mouth. I promise it will be very distracting.”

Rhett laughs like it’s a joke, and he probably does think Russell is kidding. Noel sighs inwardly. Poor guy. He notices that Link narrows his eyes a little at Russell and angles himself closer to Rhett, but that could mean anything. Or maybe Russell was right – Rhett and Link are _together_ and Russell’s attention is bringing out Link’s protective side.

“Well!” Noel claps Russell on the back hard with pretend friendliness, but it’s hard enough to make Russell yelp and give him a wounded look. “Shall we mingle, then?” he asks the others at large.

“It’s what we’re here for.” Link tosses back the dregs of his soda, crunches up the can, and chucks it neatly across the room into a recycle bin. 

The four of them mingle as promised, and sign autographs and shake hands and pose for pictures. Russell’s been in a few big-budget American movies and was married to Katy Perry, so he gets recognized more often, but Noel is pleasantly surprised to run into more than a few Boosh fans who gasp when they see him. Maybe he’s not a has-been after all. Amidst the flashes of cameras and the sea of admiring eyes, Noel feels his normal personality bubbling to the surface and soon he’s hugging fans, twirling to make his poncho fan out and telling an improvised tale of the rabbit in his backyard named Jenny. He bumps into Youtubers he doesn’t know and hugs them or kisses them boldly on the cheek to make fans yell in approval. Russell shouts and waves his arms and speaks so fast that it’s a miracle that he can manage to breathe at the same time. Noel watches him hit on a young woman with purple and blue hair and a guy with a big forehead and light brown hair who looks a bit like a young, cute Hugo Weaving. Since Russell is magic, nobody gets upset and everyone he talks to laughs and looks at him in fascination.

So many people in the room, so many of them famous, but Noel can’t help but notice how Rhett and Link outshine them all - somehow. They’re not as loud as Russell, but people want to listen. Their laughs are infectious and genuine, their smiles easy and warm. They like to touch a lot – slinging arms around shoulders for photos, leaning up against one another, hugging if they’ve been apart for more than five minutes, nudging their feet together when they sit – and Noel can’t stop wishing he were a part of their magic. He wishes he knew them better. He already likes Link, and he notices the way Link looks at Rhett like the taller man hung the moon and stars in the sky.

At one point in the evening Noel finds himself face-to-face with Link again, pressed together in a circle of people, and Noel happily latches onto his shoulders as if he’s known Link for years instead of about an hour. Link laughs and pulls him in for a quick hug before holding him at arms’ length. _He’s so beautiful,_ Noel thinks dumbly as he stares into Link’s eyes.

Link looks a little sheepish when a camera goes off beside them, but he can’t seem to stop staring back and the moment is almost too much to bear. Noel wants to kiss that tempting pink mouth. He’s so close to Link’s face, and Link’s lips are glistening very lightly like he’s applied fresh lip chap, and Noel can smell peanut butter and peppermint and the combination is weirdly alluring. Hurriedly, he lets go of Link’s shoulders before he does something stupid – like pin Link to a wall in front of everyone and snog him senseless.

For the rest of the evening all Noel can think about is getting Link out of his clothes and into bed. He could probably show Link a few new things to blow his mind. _I wonder if anybody’s ever given him a rimjob?_ By the time the sun sets and everybody is filing out of the building, Noel’s half in love. 

He hangs by the door, waiting for Rhett and Russell and Link. The former two clap him on the shoulder in a friendly way, and Russell leans in to whisper something filthy in his ear about unwrapping Rhett’s big package later, but when Link sees him he gets a warm hug.

“Hey,” the handsome brunet greeted softly, his hand lingering on Noel’s shoulder. “It was really great meeting you today. Thanks for coming. Rhett and I are gonna go grab something to eat.”

Noel waits for the invitation, but none comes and he feels his face falling. “Oh,” is all he can say blankly. “Um – alright then. Have fun.”

“Are you in town all night? Do you have an early flight back?”

Hope creeps back in. “We’re not leaving ‘til the day after tomorrow. I wanted to get some shopping in.”

“Oh, good.” Link takes out his phone. “Do you want to give me your number?”

Noel almost walks into the doorframe as they step out of the building. “Really?”

“Well, maybe we can meet up the next time you’re in LA, if you have time,” Link says vaguely. “Maybe you can stop by our studio or something.”

“Oh…that sounds fun. Yeah, sure.” Well, that’s better than nothing. Noel, disappointed yet trying to hide it, dictates his number in a flat voice and Link repeats it back to him as he puts it into his phone.

“I’ll text you,” Link promises. “I’ve gotta get going, though. Rhett’s waiting for me. ”

“Well, goodbye then.” Noel feels foolish. Maybe he’d been misreading Link’s intentions the whole time. Maybe Link was as naïve and innocent as he first thought. Maybe Noel is as big of a perverted jerk as Russell, thinking everybody who showed the slightest bit of interest would want to jump right in bed with him. 

“Bye, Noel,” Link smiles sweetly. “Talk to you in a bit.”

Noel promises himself that he won’t steal a look at Link’s ample arse as he saunters away, and manages to keep that promise for maybe three seconds. Fuck.

As he leaves, Russell approaches out of nowhere with a smirk on his face. “That’s a magnificent sight,” he comments with a sigh, following the line of Noel’s gaze. “Well, Noel?”

“Well what?”

“Did you get his number?”

“I gave him mine. What, did you get Rhett’s number?”

Russell has the grace to look abashed. “No. I may have come on a little too strong. I don’t reckon he’s kinky enough to want anything other than plain missionary bumming with Link. He’s a bit vanilla, that one. Romantic enough, I’ll wager, but under the current circumstances, romance is not high on our list of priorities.”

“You _may_ have come on a little too strong? What did you say?”

“Nothing, really! I may have inserted a miniscule compliment to his pert little arse within our conversation, and later I implied that I would not be entirely unopposed to beard burn in certain creative places, but I did not say such things outright. He didn’t seem to mind until I made a possibly misinterpreted innocent remark about Link’s gag reflex. You know, like when we saw him trying to eat all those crazy things on their channel? Rhett didn’t seem to fancy me talking about his best mate. Well jealous, that one. D’you want a coffee, my love? I’ll come out with you for a pint if you’d rather some brew.” Russell, a former alcoholic, doesn’t drink. “Or some pizza. You hungry?”

“Mmm-hmm,” Noel hums distractedly, thinking about eating peanut butter and peppermint together.

Russell snaps his fingers in front of Noel’s eyes. “Oi! Mate!”

“Sorry.” Noel blinks. “Just…lost in my own head for a bit there.”

Russell stares. “You really like him, don’t you? Like you don’t just want a blowie off him, you actually fancy him.”

“Yes. Fuck.” Noel clenches his hands into fists. “Why did I ever agree to this? What a dumb idea. Now I just feel like the kid who didn’t get asked out for prom. It’s well stupid, Russell. I’m too old for this. Now we just look like fools, don’t we?”

“I’m sorry, baby.” Russell sounds genuinely upset. “It’s all my fault, innit? I’ve got no excuse. I’ve let you down slightly. You need some food. Come on, it’ll be my treat, let’s feed your tiny body up till you burst and let’s have a good cry over some sugary desserts. Tomorrow I’ll come shopping with you and carry all your bags.”

Noel looks up hopefully. “You mean it?”

“Of course. Anything for my bestie. I’ll be your very own beast of burden. Your draft mule. I will wait for you outside the dressing rooms and give applause for every ensemble you show me. And tonight we’ll go back to our hotel and I’ll give you a sensual massage before I bum you silly. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

“Well…yeah. A little.”

“Well then, chin up mate! You’ll feel better in no time.”

Russell may be an arsehole, but he’s a wonderful friend when he wants to be. He finds a kitschy little café that’s right up Noel’s alley and sits beside him in a booth and doesn’t even attempt to snatch the croutons from Noel’s Caesar salad appetizer. He listens patiently to Noel mooning over Link and makes sympathetic noises in the right places. 

“Cor, he’s well blind then, ain’t he?” Russell tells him. “If he didn’t notice how absolutely – well, _delectable_ you are, then he’s the one who’s got the problem.”

“I could have sworn he felt the same way, though,” Noel frowns. He sips at his expensive organic smoothie. It’s the colour of greenish mud but it tastes delicious. “He touched me a lot and had his eyes on me like half the time. And he accidentally let it slip that he watched Big Fat Quiz and even managed to quote something I’d said. He blushed afterward. Literally, the man turned pink. Isn’t that just adorable? I thought that meant he maybe had a little bit of a thing for me. Is that reasonable or am I just cocky?”

“Cocky is a superlative word, Noel, but I don’t think it applies to you. Anyone who slugs through two hours of that show – the ones where I’m not in at least, I make them watchable – must have a special interest in the guests. And it doesn’t air in America, so he would have had to search it out special online, right?”

“Exactly!” Noel thumps his hands down on the table. “I just don’t get it.”

Russell’s pitying expression vanishes. He senses that Noel is getting over his short bout of rejection. “Maybe he fancies Jimmy Carr,” he jokes.

Noel groans. “You’re not funny, Russell.”

“Picture it, Noel. Picture Jimmy Carr bumming Link.”

“I – that is impossible. I absolutely cannot. I can’t picture him actually having sex. He’s not actually a person at all, I think.”

“Then what is he? A hologram?” Russell shoves a great bite of his roasted pepper and cheese panini into his grinning mouth.

“I think he’s an android in a suit,” Noel invents. 

“There’s got to be a way to tell ‘em apart from regular people. He’s got no nipples or something.”

“And down below he’s like a Ken doll.”

Russell laughs so hard he almost chokes. “Imagine that! Smooth and shiny! That’s well terrifying, love. Did you know I can do a perfect Jimmy laugh?”

“No no no, not in public!”

“I’ll do it in bed later.”

“Well, it was going to be your turn to top, but I guess you’d rather I kept my pants on.”

Russell splutters and waves the sandwich at him. Noel sits back smugly and grins. Then his phone buzzes in his pocket, making him jump. A text. Could it be – ?

“Wot’s that now?” Russell asks with his mouth full when he sees Noel’s jaw drop.

“Link,” Noel manages. His heart is pounding. “It’s Link! He…he texted me like he said he would.”

“Well, come on then, don’t be a tease! What did he say? Did he decide he wants a go with you after all? Is it a nude picture? Let me see!”

Noel, wordless, hands his phone to Russell. The message is simple:

_The Hilton on Boxwood Ave. Room 401. Bring your friend if you want! ;)_

“Ooh,” Russell says. “Winky face, hmmm? D’you think he’s alone? I wanted a foursome, but that little cutie sure would look sweet with one cock in his mouth and another up his tight arse. S’probably what he wants. Rock-paper-scissors for who gets which end?” 

“Russell!” Noel smacks him. “He’s a nice bloke, alright?”

“What! I’m not being discourteous, am I? I’m just having a bit of fantasy, alright? Leave off!”

“Can we try to act normal? Rhett’s with him. He’s probably just inviting us over to watch a movie or something.”

“Normal! How boring, and utterly unlike the man I know and love!” Russell smacks a wet kiss on Noel’s cheek. Then he bounces in his seat and grins wide enough for Noel to see practically two inches of his gums. “Still, what are we waiting for? Me, you, Link, possibly Rhett, all alone in a room together without the watchful and judgmental eyes of others? Let’s go!”


	3. Chapter 3

Noel and Russell arrive at the hotel after a riveting debate about football between a shouting Russell and an animated taxi driver from Turkey. Noel tips well, thankful that no blood was shed and that the driver hadn’t swerved clear off the road when Russell opined that England’s 0-0 tie with Turkey in the UEFA Euro tournament was due to the referee’s incompetence and misplaced penalty. “Otherwise, we would have won,” Russell explains patiently to the driver’s outrage and Noel’s horror.

The taxi squeals off and Russell arranges his hair, unruffled by the whole affair. “Do you have the condoms, love?” Russell asks brightly as they walk. 

“Bugger off, you perv.” Noel does have a condom, in his wallet of all things, but doesn’t have very high hopes of using it tonight. 

“Safe sex is important, Noel. In this modern day and age, we should all be more open to discussing the more practical aspects of lovemaking. After all,” Russell dissolves into giggles but composes himself enough to finish. “We wouldn’t want to get Link pregnant.”

Noel feels a smile tugging at his lips. “Why not? I think it’d be brilliant. I’ve always wanted to be a dad. It’d have dual citizenship. We’d trade off weekends, I’d get all guilty and take it to Disneyland whenever I bagged off…”

“What, so Link would have primary custody?”

“What judge in their right mind would give _me_ the kid?”

“Judge? Is Link getting a divorce now? What did you do to your poor little wife, Noel?”

This is all too silly to be truly funny, but Noel doesn’t mind. “We just grew apart, is all. The spark died. He wanted a second honeymoon in Italy and I told him I’d rather just stay at home and drink some beers and watch American football on telly. Then he asked if his jeans made his arse look fat and I said, well love, all those crisps and sweets you sneak in after dinner have got to go somewhere, don’t they? More cushion for the pushin’. Next thing I know he’s crying in the kitchen with a chocolate cake and a bottle of Prosecco and telling me to get out of the house. I haven’t seen little Rutherford Hamlet Neal-Fielding since.”

Russell laughs hard. “What a tragedy,” he exclaims, bouncing on his heels as they step into the lift. “You’re a right bastard, Fielding. _Rutherford_ ,” he repeats, his shoulders shaking in his mirth.

“Alright, cut the nonsense, we’re almost there.” The elevator dings and the men step out. 401 is at the very end of the corridor to the right. Noel double checks the room number that Link texted him to be sure before he knocks politely on the door, his heart pounding hard.

“Come in,” Link’s voice calls right away, like he’d been waiting.

Russell shoots Noel a gleeful look, his face bursting into a Cheshire grin. “He wants us so bad,” he whispers in Noel’s ear. 

Noel isn’t as sure. In his nervousness, he’s sweating, and glad the pit stains aren’t too noticeable in his oversized poncho. In the bright hotel lighting his silver boots have a cheap sheen like costume jewellery. They’re scuffed and dirty. Well-loved, Noel called it fondly when he’d put them on that morning, forgoing his current favourite heels in light of having to be on his feet all day. Now they just look old and worn. Russell has taken off his scarf to reveal a deep-necked shirt collar and layers of silver chains around his neck to match the bangles on his wrists. Both men are over-bright and garish against the drab grey carpet and cream-painted walls. Noel feels like a tacky Fauvist painting amongst a gallery of baroque art – an Andre Dérain placed between a Vermeer and a Poussin. 

Noel wonders if Link would appreciate his own art and muses on how much more confident he would feel if he had something that he could show to Link, to impress him. He feels a bit uprooted and transplanted. He often does when he’s in America. Russell used to feel the same way, but he’s lived in the States for so long now that it just feels like a second home. He touches the nape of Noel’s neck comfortingly, like he understands exactly what Noel is thinking. Then he reaches for the doorknob without hesitation. Noel is glad that his friend is so bold. With a sweeping bow, he invites Noel to enter before him, singing, “Ladies first!”

“Arse,” Noel mutters at him, half affectionate and half annoyed like he always is with Russell. He wills his legs to move and they oblige, carrying him through the doorway. Then they stop working entirely and he comes to a halt in front of the king-sized bed presented in the middle of the room. Russell walks right into him and Noel barely notices. His mouth has gone parchment-dry and his eyes are surely bulging out of his head like a cartoon. 

_Good fucking God,_ he thinks slowly, blinking several times to make sure he’s not hallucinating. 

He’s not. Rhett McLaughlin, the bearded half of the Internet duo, is lounging on his bed propped up comfortably against the mass of white pillows. He’s got one arm behind his head, posing like some gorgeous movie star, and he’s got Link sitting between his thighs with his head against Rhett’s chest. They’re both in just their underwear and the sight of all that bare skin makes Noel’s cock stir in his pants. Their bodies are large and tall and lean, bigger and manlier than the Brits standing before them. Proud, masculine, openly intimate. Link’s hand idly rubs up and down Rhett’s leg, his thicker dark body hair making the contrast between their skin startling. Rhett’s hand splays across Link’s chest.

Even Russell, for once in his life, is struck dumb. 

“Surprised?” Link asks, languid and relaxed. There are two glasses on the table beside the bed and Noel wonders for a moment if they’re drunk, but they don’t seem the type to drink heavily. Plus, there’s nothing fuzzy or confused about the way the men look at him. Their eyes are warm, sincere, and _curious._ Link’s looking at him like he did before at the convention, and even Rhett seems to be admiring him. The heat of their combined scrutiny makes the colour rise to Noel’s face. The room smells like a hotel – that bland generic nobody-lives-here coldness mixed with cheap laundry detergent and Febreeze on the upholstery – but he’s close enough to catch the intimate scents of the other men’s bodies too: sweat overpowering the faintly chemical deodorant, earthy cocoa and leather and somebody’s very tangy citrus shampoo. The blood roars in Noel's ears as the two men exchange a look and then smile as if sharing a joke.

Russell tries a sentence. “You…you two are…”

“We’re not doing anything yet,” Rhett cuts in after Russell chokes on his tongue for a few awkward moments. “We were waiting for you two.”

“Us?” Noel manages to get out.

“Yes, of course. You did want this, didn’t you?” Rhett’s eyes are such an enigmatic colour. Noel sees grey, blue, green and hazel depending on how they catch the light. How would he capture that shade with a paintbrush? Blonde hair is difficult, too. Rhett has a nice dark gold with the barest suggestion of strawberry. Noel would mix pthalo blue and burnt umber, a soft sable for the lowlights, titanium white for the highlights. 

_He asked you a question, Fielding._ Noel clears his throat. “Well…yes, of course. I just didn’t think you were interested.”

Link laughs, a sound that turns into a breathy little moan as Rhett touches him on the nape of the neck and shushes him. The dynamics here are palpable, Noel realizes. Rhett is the dominant, the driving force behind whatever is about to happen. If it had been Link who wanted Noel here, he had to ask permission. And Rhett had granted it. Noel wonders if he’d done it in exchange for Russell.

“Don’t tease him,” Rhett murmurs to Link. “He answered honestly.”

“I didn’t mean to laugh at you, Noel,” Link says, sounding chagrined. “I just can’t imagine – did you two think you were being subtle, or what?”

Noel glances at Russell sternly. The man’s big brown eyes widen innocently. 

“We both thought it was a swing and a miss,” Noel admits. “You could have told me that you wanted to meet up later!” 

“A baseball metaphor for the Americans, that’s clever,” Russell stage-whispers. Noel ignores him.

“Before we could decide on anything, Link and I had to go somewhere private to discuss what we wanted to do.” Rhett’s voice is deep and penetrating. “We share everything, me and Link. We don’t lie to each other and we don’t sneak around. We had to tell each other how we were feeling before things went any further than flirting. And a convention with our employees and fans was not the place to have that discussion.”

“Well, come now, what did you decide?” Russell’s getting over his initial shock and now he looks like a kid in a candy shop. He’s practically vibrating. It seems like he can’t decide where to stare. Noel can’t blame him – the scene before them is far too lovely. Rhett and Link are both handsome in such different ways. Noel loves Link’s elegant collarbones and wide shoulders and laughing mouth, and he loves Rhett’s sheer size, the strength and the softness, his strong expressive brow.

“Part of what we decided is that you need to learn some respect and wait your turn,” Rhett tells Russell, his voice ringing with authority. Those mysterious eyes turn to Noel. “Come here, Noel,” Rhett demands, and he is so completely fucked. There’s no way he can resist that voice. He goes willingly, and sits next to Rhett on the bed. Rhett grabs him by the waist and pulls him into his lap instead. His chin is grabbed lightly and he shudders as Rhett’s beard tickles his ear.

“Kiss me,” he hears, and yeah, okay, he can do that. He swallows hard and looks at Rhett up close for the first time. His beard seems fluffier than it did in the videos Noel had watched. Rhett’s eyelashes are brushed with gold at the ends and there are laugh lines around the corners of his eyes, softening the severity of those thick dark eyebrows. Noel leans in to kiss him, aware of Link and Russell watching. Rhett kisses back with a hunger than makes Noel go weak in the knees. He loves kissing bearded men and moustached men, the scrape of coarse hair against every part of his body as they nuzzle him. The contrast makes Noel feel feminine and pretty in comparison. It was perhaps the only thing lacking in his occasional trysts with the clean-shaven Richard Ayoade, who was otherwise one of the best lovers in Britain if not the world.

The other men are quiet, making the gentle wet sounds of the kiss seem obscenely loud. One of Rhett’s hands is in his hair and the other is sliding up his ribs. All Noel can do is grab onto the man’s shoulders for dear life. Tentative hands touch Noel’s back, sliding down and then up under his shirt to feel his tiny waist, thumbs stroking the skin curiously. Not Rhett’s hands. Link’s trembling with excitement and Noel pushes back into his touch.

Rhett breaks the kiss and puts a finger beneath Noel’s chin. “Do you want him?” Rhett asks, nodding over Noel’s shoulder at Link. Noel can’t see, but he pictures the dark-haired American beauty, his hairy chest and small pink nipples and his flat belly that begs for kisses. He nods frantically. 

“He wants you too. I’m going to tell you what to do, how to please him. Only I can fuck him, but you can watch. And there are plenty of other things that I’ll let you and Russell do with us. Does that sound good?”

Noel moans and shivers, loving the man’s strong American accent. Link’s hands cup the swell of his hips from behind. “Yes. God, yes, yes. Let me…”

Rhett takes one of Noel’s hands and brings it between his legs. Noel gets a handful of Rhett’s enormous cock through the thin fabric of his underwear, and his eyes bug out. It feels fucking _huge._ He strokes it cautiously. He thinks of what Link’s face would look like when this huge thing was pushed inside of his ass, and his dick likes the thought. Rhett touches him, too, curious but insistent, feeling the shape of Noel’s rapidly hardening manhood.

“What about me, mate?” Russell’s eyes are blown wide, his pupils enormous within his dark eyes. “I want him, too. And you.”

Rhett glances over. “You’re getting me in a second. Link might show you a thing or two if you play nice.”

“I’d rather show you – ” Russell begins, with a characteristically cheeky smile blooming on his face, but then Rhett holds up his hand with the palm facing out and he shuts up as fast as if Rhett had slapped him. Noel’s stomach does another somersault. He can feel the dominance pouring off Rhett like thick cologne. Few people could exert control over his friend like that.

Rhett takes Noel’s hand away and strokes his shoulder reassuringly before he goes to take a seat in the armchair facing the bed, hands behind his head like he’s sitting down to watch a football game. Link and Noel are left alone on the bed, looking at each other with blushing excitement. Link draws his legs up and crosses them. If he were dressed, he might look like a little kid sitting quietly in a library during reading time. With all that skin exposed, his underwear riding down to show how the hair at his belly begins to thicken and blossom outward, and his sensual curved lips, he looks sinful and delicious. Noel likes the body hair. He hadn’t expected Link to have so much. Russell isn’t as hairy, despite the masses of uncontrollable waves on his head and the beard (and pubes) that grow thick and black and bushy unless he maintains them constantly. Noel himself is very pale and very smooth. 

Link looks at Noel appraisingly, and then his eyes shift to Rhett. His eyes soften with trust. Noel is intrigued by that easy look, so full of love and respect and lust. It strikes him suddenly that if things had gone a little differently in his own life, he could have had this kind of relationship with Julian. He can see that Rhett’s presence grounds Link and brings him confidence. When he looks back at Noel, there’s a determination there, full of promises.

“Russell,” Rhett says calmly, breaking Noel’s nostalgia. “Take off your clothes and sit here.” He taps his thighs.

“That sounds boring, mate. I’ll play with your cock in a minute but I wanna watch Noel and L – ”

“I said take your clothes off, Russell, and come sit in my lap.”

Russell rolls his eyes exaggeratedly. “Alright, alright, I’m coming, keep your knickers on. Or don’t.” He grins and strikes a pose to attract everybody’s attention to him before he begins to undress. His jewellery clatters as he tosses it on the shabby dresser. Noel’s seen him undress a thousand times, but his eye is still drawn to his friend as his body is slowly revealed. Small but wiry and well-muscled, Russell has a classically good-looking body. Noel has always liked his good abdominal V-line that would suggest the idea of sex even if Russell were to ever have the grace to be shirtless without flirting and flexing and posturing. He has no shame, and though Rhett and Link are still in their boxers Russell yanks off his Y-fronts without a pause. He makes damn sure everyone gets a good view of both sides. Noel knows how every inch of that body feels beneath his palms and on his lips and he is comforted by the familiar sight.

“Noel,” Rhett commands. “Your turn.”

“Alright.” Noel doesn’t fight the submissive feeling that fills his body at the sound of a calm, clear order. He likes that Rhett doesn’t feel the need to raise his voice or make threats. Noel’s had enough of both over the years from men who took the power trip a little too seriously. Though he wasn’t told not to stare, Noel averts his eyes as he stands up and undresses. He doesn’t follow Russell’s example, and leaves his underwear on as Rhett and Link have done. They’re tie-dyed white boxer-briefs. Link looks at them with amusement and Russell lets out a giggle. 

“Hi,” Link grins and pats the bed beside him. “Come sit closer to me. I don’t bite. Unless you want me to.”

“Hey.” Noel inches closer, wanting to touch but also wanting to be respectful. The mattress has a lot of give and he lists heavily to the side and ends up pressed against the slightly bigger man anyway. Rhett and Russell are kissing now and the noises are very distracting. Russell’s had lots of partners, but Noel has never actually seen him sitting on someone else’s lap and kissing them as passionately as he would kiss Noel. It’s hot, but strange. He fumbles for his wit, his humour. Where has it gone? “This is a bit weird, innit?” is all he has. 

“I guess,” Link lifts his eyebrows. “You guys came on pretty strong, though. What did you expect to happen?”

“I…” _Russell assumed you two would be innocent little darlings who would admire his charms and be amazed at his outrageous sexuality._ Russell was one of the most intelligent people Noel had ever met, but sometimes he was a terrible judge of people. “I don’t know. I thought Russell was gonna ruin everything,” he admits.

“Judas!” Russell yells from across the room. “And I thought we were best mates. BFFs. Soul mates, even. Our bodies and souls joined as one for eternity.”

Noel ignores him yet again. “And I thought you were cute on Youtube, but then when I met you I realized…”

“…that I’m better looking from a tiny laptop screen?” teases Link, pretending to be offended. “Ouch!”

“No! No. You’re amazing, really. I just realized that I…may be a wee bit out of my league next to you and Rhett.” 

“I wouldn’t have thought that you’d be self-conscious.”

“It’s not self-consciousness.” Noel conquered those feelings years before. He had been shy in his youth, but never as an adult. Always being the strange art kid, always looking funny, wearing makeup and dresses, his stand-up comedy drawing more hiked eyebrows and confused looks than laughs – he’s got a thick skin and the sort of confidence that only truly begins to blossom once you pass forty. He’d always heard a saying that went something like, _In your twenties, you’re figuring out who you are…in your thirties, you want to prove to people who you are…in your forties, you know it doesn’t matter what other people think you are._ That wasn’t quite it, but it was amazing Noel could think at all given that Link had just begun stroking his knee. “I just sensed the connection you had with Rhett right away. It was powerful. I could feel it as soon as I laid eyes on you two together. I knew that there was nothing I could ever offer that would be as good as what you already had.”

“Don’t sell yourself short,” Link returns. “I love Rhett, and I always will, but you are gorgeous.” Link stretches his lean legs straight out in front of him. The thin material of his boxers shifts and shows the outline of his semi-hard cock. Noel can feel himself start to salivate and is a little ashamed at the Pavlovian response. “I like your underwear. Did you dye them yourself?”

“Yeah, actually.” Noel likes tie-dying. He likes creating things that make the world a little less drab. It’s why his paintings are so full of colour. “I could do some for you. We could match.”

“Mail me some. I like anything handmade. Did you make that bag, too?” 

“I just attached the fake gemstones. I can sew, though.” Noel loves his bags. Every man should have a man-bag. He stops thinking about accessories when he hears Russell gasp. He looks over to see that Rhett’s teeth are at his throat and his hand is pulling hard on Russell’s long hair. 

“That’s so cool.” Link’s hand strays higher, touching Noel’s inner thigh now. He incorporates his glances at Russell and Rhett seamlessly with his attention to Noel. “But do you think I could take these off?”

“Um. Yeah. If – if you take yours off too,” Noel urges as his heart flutters.

“Me first?” 

“Yes!” Russell shouts. His voice sounds thick and slurry. Drunk on Rhett, Noel figures. With the way the big man kissed, Noel isn’t surprised.

Link looks over in amusement and gives an adorable boyish laugh. “What do you think, Rhett? Should we get started? You brought the thing, right?”

“Yes,” comes the answer. There’s a hitch in Rhett’s voice. When Noel looks, Rhett is completely naked and Russell is folded on his knees between his legs. _Well, that was fast._ Noel can’t actually see him sucking Rhett’s massive cock but he can see Russell’s head bobbing up and down. 

“What’s the thing? And does he always tell you what to do?” Noel almost whispers.

“Not always. Sometimes I like to be in charge.” Link’s face changes subtly and Noel can see it – he can see the dominant side of Link’s personality, that sometimes he can turn feral and hold his partner down to take what he wants. It’s fun to imagine having that with someone as big as Rhett – to be in control of that huge body, those mile-high legs, to put your hand in his upswept hair and pull his mouth down where you wanted it. Noel notices that Link avoids the first question but doesn’t pursue it.

“But not tonight?” Noel says, and then his tongue dries up and words become impossible when Link hooks his thumbs beneath the waistband of his boxers and pulls them down his legs. 

The freed cock springs up against Link’s belly where it bobs enticingly. It’s nice and thick, standing proudly from a thicket of dense black curls. It’s also cut, like most Americans his age, which is new for Noel. Even Russell has stopped to have a look. Link’s eyes drift around the room, taking in the open admiration on the faces of the three men watching him, then smiles and gives himself a few short strokes. 

“Holy shit,” Russell blurts, impressed. Rhett’s dick is pressed along his cheek, slick with his spit and waiting for more. Rhett slides a hand beneath Russell’s jaw and guides his mouth back over it with a rough groan. Noel watches his friend’s eyes flutter shut and his cheeks hollow as he sucks the rigid shaft.

Link watches too, getting a firmer grip on himself to stroke harder. His attention turns to Noel. “I need to see you, too,” he breathes.

 _I need you on your knees, with my dick between those lips,_ Noel wants to say, but manages to keep quiet. He takes off his boxers and tosses them carelessly behind him. He might not be as impressively muscled as Russell, but he has confidence in his body. Link stares, drinking in the sight. Noel soaks up the attention.

“Wow,” Link says with real awe. “You’re really pretty.”

“Thanks,” Noel grins. He’s used to that word although he supposes other men might take offence. Most people avoid the word handsome with him. He suspects it’s because he’s far too girlish to be handsome. “Do you want to…” He nods at Rhett and Russell. 

“I like to take things slow,” Link demures. 

Noel bites the frustration back. “Alright,” he says soothingly. “What can I do with you, then?”

Link blushes. “Well…”

There’s a loud wet pop. Rhett has pushed Russell away from his dick. “Hold on. I’ll be back,” he says. He stands up and crosses the room, heading for Noel. Rhett’s thighs flex as he walk, muscled and powerful, his cock hard and bouncing and his big sack hanging heavy beneath. Noel nearly gasps as Rhett puts a hand on the back of his head and grips him firmly. Rhett tugs him downward and Noel resists despite the pain. He’s not sure where Rhett is directing him and he can’t seem to articulate the question.

“Noel, hey, none of that,” the American man says as if gently chastising a dog. “Let me show you what you’re gonna do for him. He’s shy about asking.” Those large capable hands settle on both sides of his head and now there was no fighting it even if he wanted to. Noel stares at him wildly, feeling the man’s sheer strength, the way he could squeeze his hands together and pop his skull open like a balloon. That was nonsense, of course, but Noel still feels intensely vulnerable as Rhett pushes his head down where he wants it to go.

At first, Noel’s still confused; he’s not being shoved at anyone’s crotch. He figured that he might be urged to suck Rhett for a while to give Russell a break. Apparently not. Which is a little disappointing, but also a bit of a relief, because he’s not altogether sure that Rhett’s cock would _fit_ in his mouth. The blond is forcing Noel towards the foot of the bed as if to push him off the mattress altogether. Noel is alarmed, but then his chin bumps up against Link’s foot and Rhett squeezes his fingers deep into Noel’s cheeks to get him to open up. 

_Oh._ Well, then. Noel isn’t particularly into feet, but he lets Rhett guide his mouth over Link’s big toe and closes his lips around it obediently. Link’s feet are clean and smell a little like powdery soap, the kind that comes in a little sad disk in hotel bathrooms, as if maybe he’d washed them just before Noel had arrived in anticipation of this act. Link was the kind of guy nice enough to do that. 

Rhett holds him in place for a few moments before he murmurs, “Good boy, Noel, you know what to do, don’t you?” and lets him go. He returns to the chair and gets Russell back on his dick.

“Aah,” Link gasps. “Oh yeah, Noel, oh, that’s just what I wanted.” 

Noel stays where he’s put, sucking and bobbing his head to slide his lips up and down the length of the toe, scraping his teeth gently across the skin. Link shudders so deeply that his foot vibrates in Noel’s mouth. A curious feeling, Noel reflects as he works. When he wiggles his tongue into the crevices between each of Link’s toes, the handsome Youtuber begins to groan with every breath. Noel’s still not into feet, but Link’s responsiveness is an enormous turn-on. Every new touch of his tongue elicits a noise, and Noel moans right back at the sound. When he glances up he can see Link’s head rolling helplessly back and forth on the pillow as breathless cries spill from his lips. 

“Well that’s rubbish, how come you’ve not done that for me?” Russell pops off of Rhett’s cock to cry out, wounded. “Blimey, Noel, you’re a proper freak. You’ve got him moaning like he’s being fucked. Listen to that masterful specimen of a man,” he tells Rhett as if Link was _his_ partner and Rhett was the guest. “D’you expect me to just sit quietly during this? His mouth is hanging open, can I put something in there? I’ll finish you later.”

It’s Link who answers Russell. “If you…if you just wait a little while longer – oh, gosh, Noel, that tickles…okay, _much_ better, oh yeah – then I can give you exactly what you’re asking for.”

“Link, darling, there is no time like the present. As Thoreau explained, ‘You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.’ Wise words from a wise man. Come launch yourself on my – ”

“Russell,” Rhett finally snaps. “You’re not in charge here. Be quiet and keep sucking or I’ll spank you.”

“Say please,” Russell sings. 

Noel’s eyebrows crease a little, jealous at the thought of Link sucking his best mate. He knows Russell’s baiting Rhett, maybe still unwilling to believe that this so-called vanilla American couple could force him to submit and be a good boy. Or maybe wanting a punishment. His own bed play with Russell was fairly casual. They were friends first, and generally saw other people. Noel doesn’t like inflicting pain. He much preferred giving (and receiving) pleasure. Russell’s tastes were usually more exotic.

Rhett doesn’t back down. “Fine. If you don’t want my cock I can give you something else to do.”

Noel tilts his head and licks across the sole of Link’s foot, and from this angle he can open his eyes and see Rhett yanking Russell by his long wiry hair, shoving him down to service Link’s left foot. Perhaps Rhett thought it might shut him up.

“I don’t want to put my mouth on his _foot_ ,” Russell complains haughtily. “I can make him feel better than that. Flip him over and let me see what he sounds like when I slide two fingers up that lovely arse. I’ll get him ready for you.” 

Link lets out a gasp as Noel mouths over the ball of his foot, and Russell pounces on the noise. “See, he wants it too, don’t you, love? Let Russell show you his magic tricks.”

“I’m warning you, Russell…” Rhett’s voice is dark. “This is your last chance.”

“Bloody hell, can’t the little bird tell me himself that he doesn’t want me to – ”

“Okay, that’s it, Russell.” Rhett stands up and all three men flinch a little from the sudden sonority of his voice. Noel lets Link’s little toe slip out of his mouth and he hovers uncertainly, his eyes on Rhett and his hands lightly cupping Link’s foot. “Excuse me, Link, and Noel,” Rhett adds more courteously. “Do you two think you can occupy yourselves while I teach this one some respect?”

“Yes, sir,” is Noel’s immediate response, and he flushes a little. Nobody had told him to call Rhett _sir_. It had just come out of his mouth naturally. Link copies him, with an amused little side glance at Noel. _It should be illegal to look that innocent while naked in bed,_

Rhett is pleased. “Good. Russell?”

“What?” Russell does his best sullen sixteen-year-old girl voice, deliberately obnoxious. Link gestures for Noel to crawl up the bed towards him and he obeys. Noel settles into Link’s embrace, eyes darting back and forth between the two men as Link plays with his hair.

“Shut your mouth and bend over my lap,” Rhett orders.

Russell stands his ground, over half a foot shorter than Rhett and far less intimidating. “Make me,” he challenges, and Noel accidentally squeezes Link’s arm fairly hard in his shock. 

“Sorry,” Noel mouths at Link, who gives a quick dismissive shake of his head. 

“Right. You asked for it.” Rhett moves with a speed that seems impossible for the size of him. Russell raises his arms instinctively but Rhett’s reach makes it easy for him to put the Brit in a headlock that practically pulls Russell right off his feet. The smaller man is dragged, struggling and digging his heels in, back to the armchair. Rhett sits down hard with Russell’s hair wrapped around his hand. Consequently, Russell is painfully yanked down along with him, lying across the tall man’s lap with his arms splayed out awkwardly in front of him. Naturally, he squirms, but it’s easy for Rhett to hold him in place. Noel suspects Russell’s not really trying to go anywhere.

“Russell, you are a guest here,” Rhett begins conversationally, fingers trailing down the base of Russell’s spine. “I am allowing you to participate, and I think you should be grateful for the opportunity that you flew over five thousand miles for. Not only did you act outrageously inappropriately at the convention, you also seem to be under the impression that you can say or do anything you want to my partner and not suffer the consequences.”

“Listen, mate, I am a free man and I can – ”

The sound of the smack makes Noel’s jaw drop. Rhett is not fucking around. Russell lets out a whimper.

“You’re free to leave,” Rhett tells him, “or free to choose to either take your punishment like a man so you can continue to join in tonight’s fun, or spend the evening tied up and gagged with your own underwear while Noel and I pleasure Link the way he wants and deserves.”

“That’s not fair!” Russell splutters. “I don’t think I – _aaah_ – ” Another slap rings out, louder than the first, and Russell’s words are swallowed by the groan that rises from within his throat.

“You’re at two so far, and those don’t count since they were to shut you up. So you still have ten comin’. What’ll it be?”

“Fuck, fuck, alright,” Russell whimpers, his voice completely changed. All the obnoxious sex-god bullshit drains right out of him and he moans weakly. “Spank me, okay, please, I don’t want to leave.”

Noel shivers. Russell’s kinky and likes having his boundaries pushed. _Looks like he’s met his match._ Watching Rhett threaten and dominate Russell is hotter than Noel would have guessed. His arousal had softened a little at the pause in action but now it’s rock-hard again.

Link props himself up on the pile of pillows and beckons Noel to come closer. “You okay?” he asks as if it’s Noel’s arse being roasted right now. 

“I’m brilliant,” Noel whispers back, pleased with how excited Link seems to be. “Russell’s enjoying himself too, I know he is. Cheeky bastard is well kinky, I can tell you.”

“Good. Rhett can give pretty brutal spankings,” Link says matter-of-factly, and Noel’s mind instantly pictures him with raised red welts from a belt or cane all over his perfect round arse. The brunet continues. “Do you want to watch or do you want to kiss me?”

“That’s a fucking tough question,” Noel says honestly, and Link stifles his laughter by burying his face into Noel’s neck. It’s a sensitive spot and Noel shudders. Link must feel it, because suddenly his nuzzling turns into a wet kiss. The sensation zings straight to his cock. Noel moans, his head feeling suddenly fizzy like a soft drink. 

Russell’s voice rises up into a scream on the fourth ringing slap. “Jesus Christ!” he howls. “Lighten up, will you?”

“I can feel you leaking all over my leg. You like it hard like this.” _Smack._ “Quit your wriggling. You’re making it worse for yourself.”

“I can’t help it – ow, fuck!”

“Yes you can. And watch your gutter mouth.”

The next slap is so loud that words fail Russell completely, and he makes a noise somewhere between a groan and a scream. The armchair creaks with the convulsive movements of Russell’s body. The next three spanks fall in rapid succession, and Russell stops complaining and just grunts with each one.

_I don’t think this was what Russell had in mind when he made his plans. So much for his so-called magic powers._

“Rhett, okay, Rhett,” Russell begs thinly, squirming in the big man’s lap. “I’m sorry, alright? I’m sorry, please, it hurts.”

“It wasn’t supposed to tickle.” Rhett’s hand rubs the reddened cheeks and Russell makes a desperate sound from between clenched teeth. “Generally speaking, I don’t like to share my favourite things, but I had a plan that I thought would make you happy. Link wanted to share one of his new toys with Noel, and rather than have you and I be left out, I had suggested we occupy them while they…well, you’ll see. Link’s very good with his mouth.”

“Please. Please, Rhett, I want him. I want all of you.”

“Ask Link.”

“ _Please,_ Link! Oh shit, ahh, Jesus – ” Rhett’s hit him again. 

Link grins. “Oh, I might not be very good while I’m distracted, but okay. And be gentle with my hair? My scalp is sensitive.”

Noel files that note away for possible future use. The rest of his brain is occupied thinking about what this new toy was and how he was going to use it with Link in a way that would allow access to both of their mouths. Link shifts and pulls Noel further into his lap and tilts his chin up, requesting a kiss, and of course Noel can’t deny him anything. The taste of Link’s mouth blots out Russell’s cries and the rhythm of slaps coming from the armchair. Russell may be more self-absorbed but Noel is quite vain, and he loves that Link can’t seem to stop touching him. 

“You taste so good,” Link mumbles into his mouth. “I want to put my mouth all over you.” His tongue slips into Noel’s mouth and silences the older man’s reply.

_I will never be able to repay Russell for convincing me to come along._

One last slap echoes throughout the room accompanied by a low whine. Noel lightly bites down on Link’s lower lip as he gives a little shudder in sympathy.

“There,” Rhett says with satisfaction. “That’s enough, I think. Did you learn your lesson, Russell?” 

Russell’s arse looks tender and raw. His cheeks are so red that Noel gasps. The skin is already starting to welt. “Yes, yes, I learned my lesson,” Russell groans, trying to stand. Rhett holds him in place.

“I didn’t say you could move yet. Who’s in charge here?” Rhett demands.

“You are, alright? You!”

“You gonna forget that again if I let you up?”

“No. No, Rhett. No, sir.”

“Good. You can get up now. Go relax on the bed. I’ve got to get the toy for Noel and Link.”

Russell is subdued but not broken. Behind his kicked-puppy eyes is a burning hunger, a fiery lust that’s only been fanned by the spanking. With a helping hand from Rhett, he finally stands up and gets on the bed beside Noel and Link without a word. Even with Link’s tongue tracing along the shell of his ear Noel is able to reach out and caress Russell’s bare thigh to comfort him.

“That man is a sadist lumberjack,” Russell whispers with delight. “He’s stronger than Julian, easy. I bet he could hold all of us down. I can only imagine what he’s capable of when he’s properly riled up.”

Link makes a faint noise of amusement into Noel’s ear. His breath tickles and Noel grins.

“What’s your lumberjack going to do to my precious Noel?” Russell asks Link gleefully.

“Rhett?” Noel dares to ask before Link has to stop nibbling his earlobe to answer. “Will you tell us what this toy is now?”

“Link bought it impulsively,” Rhett says in a voice that suggested he was simultaneously amused and frustrated by his lover’s flightiness. “He wanted to use it with me, of course, but we couldn’t seem to figure out a comfortable angle. I’m just too tall. I think my legs are too long.”

Link honks out a laugh and hugs Noel a little tighter. “We looked up ideas for positions online but none of them worked. Someone’s gotta be holding it while the other two kinda work themselves onto it, we figured. We tried for so long that we were just laughing by end, and we weren’t even in the mood anymore.”

Rhett tries very hard to maintain his serious I’m-in-charge-here face, but it’s dissolving quickly. He looks very young when he smiles at Link.

Russell breaks the moment, of course. “Well, what is it? Let us see! Please,” he quickly adds as if scared of another punishment.

Rhett and Link exchange a look, and then Rhett crosses over to the corner where a suitcase is tucked beside the nightstand. He opens it and pulls out a black silk bag, and after a moment of rummaging he emerges with a very long, very phallic object. It’s a realistic silicone dildo. It looks ridiculously lengthy until Noel realizes that it’s double ended. Noel opens his mouth to form words that die in his throat. The toy is flesh-coloured and veiny, with two bulbous sculpted heads and a slightly flared middle. The whole thing is over a foot long – each end maybe seven inches, Noel guesses. Rhett’s hand grips the toy by the middle and both ends waggle slightly with his movements. It could be silly or ridiculous but it’s not. Noel wants it in him. He wants it in Link too. His cock is pressing into Link’s stomach, the slick head sliding around on the smooth skin. 

“You two are going to be on your hands and knees, back to back. Or ass-to-ass, I guess.” Rhett says this like he’s telling Noel that tomorrow’s weather will be partly cloudy. “You’re going to fuck each other with this, but you’re not going to come. Once you get going, Russell can kneel in front of Link, and if you’d like, Noel, you can use your mouth on me.”

“Brilliant,” Noel croaks. Noel suspects he’ll be horrible at this. He’s great at blowjobs. Russell sings his praises all the time and he always turned Julian into a big mushy pile of lovey words after just two minutes with his lips and tongue. But this is going to be very distracting. Rhett is _big_ , and the dildo is far from small. It’s going to be difficult to enjoy all the different sensations and focus on making Rhett feel good, too. 

Russell looks at Noel with comic astonishment. Noel meets his eyes and tries to communicate telepathically. _Too vanilla to want anything but missionary monogamous sex, are they? Innocent little babies who need us to show them the ropes of kinky sex?_

Russell lifts an eyebrow and sends Noel a silent message back. _Aren’t you glad we were so wrong?_

“Russell,” Rhett says. “You wanna get Noel ready for this thing while I take care of Link?”

“Oh, fuck yes.”

Rhett tosses him a small tube of KY Jelly and Russell catches it in his left hand effortlessly. 

Link flips onto his stomach, exposing a lean tanned back and a glorious behind. He grins at Russell and Noel and wriggles a bit and his arse jiggles temptingly. _What a fucking tease._ Noel feels rather like he’s stuck on a roller coaster, with the bottom dropped right out of his stomach and his heart somewhere in his throat. He watches Rhett straddle Link’s thighs and stroke his lower back, and gasps when the taller man uncaps his own lube and drizzles it liberally down Link’s cleft.

“Hey, baby,” Rhett murmurs to him. “How are you feeling so far?”

“’M good, Rhett,” Link answers dreamily. He hugs one of the pillows and lays his head to the side. “Touch me,” he pleads. Rhett obeys and spends some time playing with Link’s opening, circling the rim with the tip of his finger, pushing in a fraction of an inch and then pulling out to continue the massage. Soon Link’s a writhing mess and Rhett’s index finger is pushing in slowly but relentlessly to the music of Link’s cries.

“You’re doing so good, Link,” Rhett rubs Link’s thighs with his free hand. “You feel pretty relaxed already.”

Link lifts his hips off the bed to match each thrust of Rhett’s hand, sighing with pleasure each time the finger sinks in all the way.

Russell’s probing fingers take Noel by surprise. He’s far less gentle. “Jesus!” Noel whimpers as he gets two digits straight up the arse. “Careful, you great oaf.”

“I know how you like it, you little minx. I’ve shoved bigger things up there without having to open you up all slow like some delicate flower.”

He’s not wrong, but Noel pouts. “I don’t think you’re - _oh_. Oh. Oh fuck, Russell.”

“Oh, yeah, Noel,” Russell murmurs back, wiggling his fingers. “Where’s that spot…”

Noel’s arse clamps down as he shouts out his pleasure. 

“There it is,” Russell laughs and patters his fingertips against the little nub inside until Noel feels like he’s being electrocuted in the best way imaginable. He loses control of his own noises, moaning and pleading and bucking his hips like a wild thing. From beside him, Link is making similar sounds. Through heavy-lidded eyes, Noel can see Rhett pumping his hand determinedly between his partner’s cheeks, three fingers buried deep now. Noel thinks of how enormous Rhett’s hands are and grins. Link turns his head to the side and looks right at Noel, and Noel has to bite his lip to keep himself from groaning like an animal. Link is watching him get fingered. He’s watching Link get fingered. They’re both going to fuck each other with a toy while Rhett and Russell watch them. The truth of it sinks in and suddenly Noel has to beg Russell to slow down before he gets too excited. Coming too early on a night like this would be nothing short of a travesty.

“That’s right, you love it,” Russell’s eyes are wicked and wild, sparkling with energy. “Proper cock sluts, you are, both of you. You’re the worst, Noel. I bet you’d kill to be pinned down and have all three of us take turns with you.”

Noel tries to say something in his own defence, but he can only clutch at the sheets and moan like a whore. Russell’s mouth is ridiculous but Noel loves being talked to like this. “Yes, god, yes, I would,” he babbles stupidly. “I love being fucked, I love it so much.”

Link inhales sharply and the sound shoots right to Noel’s dick. “Gosh, Noel,” the American murmurs. “I love hearing you talk like that with your accent. It turns me on so much.”

“You boys ready?” Rhett asks, twisting his hand to rotate his fingers in Link’s hole. He’s answered with moans all around. “Right. Russell, let him up. Noel, hands and knees.”

“You heard the man, Noel,” Russell grins, pulling his fingers out with an obscene noise that makes Noel wince. He can hear the bed creaking as Link gets into position, his smooth perfect arse pointed towards Noel. Shakily, Noel rises up onto all fours and turns around, inching his knees backward until his own arse presses against Link’s. It’s a strange feeling, and extraordinarily intimate. So soft and bouncy. The tune of his bouncy castle crimp pops into Noel’s brain and he wills himself not to think about it, which of course just makes the mental song louder and more obnoxious.

“Bouncy, bouncy, ooh such a good time,” he mutters very quietly, feeling his face go flame-red when Russell bursts into raucous laughter. Thankfully he’s the only one who’d heard.

“Only you, Noel, you precious, ridiculous man. What on earth goes through that pretty head of yours? All the fumes from the dye have addled you permanently.”

Noel doesn’t answer. He’s far too distracted by the feeling of warm skin all pressed up against his rear end. Their cracks are both slick with lube. Noel moves his hips in frustrated circles, craving friction and penetration, driven mad by the lack of attention to his asshole. He tilts his hips and fits his arse against Link’s in such a way that his hole slides over soft lubed skin. 

“ _Noel,_ ” Link tenses up as if surprised, and when Noel growls back and does it again the American relaxes and plays along. “Oh!” he breathes when they grind together just right. 

Noel looks at Rhett and Russell’s wide-eyed faces and wonders how it must look for them, he and Link rubbing against each other shamelessly like they’re in heat. Rhett looks pleased and Russell looks startled. He’s used to seeing Noel act much more composed. Noel’s face burns even as his hips keep moving.

Rhett places a large hand on each of their hips to push them apart. Noel braces himself but still nearly falls when he feels the blunt, slick head of the dildo placed against his opening. Rhett rubs his back and pulls at his hip to raise his arse a little higher, and then says simply, “Stay still, Noel.”

He does. The dildo sits perfectly in place. He listens to Link groan and knows that he’s feeling the same thing. Rhett is aligning the fake cock for them, every movement of his hand stimulating both men. Noel’s heartbeat is already speeding up in anticipation. 

“Back together now, like you were.” 

Noel squeezes his eyes shut as he uses his thighs to push back against the pressure, bearing down through the familiar burning stretch. He’s taken bigger toys than this, and it’s not too much effort. Once it’s past his tight ring of muscle it easily slides halfway in. He stops and his eyes shoot open again as he feels the resistance on the other end give way with a fresh cry from Link. _Oh, God, it’s in him too._ The other man is shaking with excitement and Noel feels it as a slight vibration in his own tight passage.

Rhett is still gripping the flared middle. “Come, you two, a little more, I want to see you take it all.”

“I s’pose this is about the only time ‘go fuck yourselves’ can be used in a literal fashion rather than a derogatory one,” Russell offers. Even Rhett laughs, perhaps in a good mood from watching the action.

“Gosh, Rhett, it’s big,” Noel hears Link’s strained voice. He’s not wrong. The silicone is slightly firmer than a real cock and feels thicker than it had looked at first. Noel shimmies his hips backward determinedly as Link does the same, both of them moaning and panting with every inch they take in, and suddenly their cheeks are pressed together once again and Rhett’s hand is gone. 

“Alright, Link?” Noel doesn’t want to start moving too soon. He savours the feeling of having his ass filled up completely and coaxes his body to accept the foreign intrusion.

“I’m. I’m good. I’m really good. Oh, oh – ” The fake cock moves up and down as Link readjusts his legs and Noel breaks a sweat. “Ooh, that’s good,” Link breathes, and Noel gets absolutely zero warning before Link starts rocking his hips in earnest. Noel makes a surprised noise of shock but quickly decides that he likes the shallow thrusts. The added stimulation of feeling Link’s ass brush against his on every downstroke has him wanting more. He tries to get with the program and meet Link’s rhythm. Trying to match the younger man’s movements doesn’t work, so Noel focuses on trying to complement them, pulling forward when he feels Link do so and timing it so that they move back at the same time until their buttcheeks collide with a smack.

Link is _enthusiastic._ And stronger than he looks. Noel is still trying to figure out how to manage his task when Link pulls away and slams his ass back into Noel’s, sinking the toy deep inside both of them. The bouncing nearly tumbles Noel face-first onto the bed. The dildo jerks as he gets his weight back onto his arms and Link actually screams, a short sharp sound that was straight out of a porno. “Christ!” is all Noel can say dumbly.

The porno noises don’t stop. “Oh, oooh yeah, oh Noel, oh, come on, faster, fuck me, I need it,” Link begs. Noel tries his best, his mouth hanging open as he imagines what it must be like for Rhett to get to fuck this loud insatiable man whenever he wants. Lust surges through him as he hooks his leg over Link’s for leverage and pushes backward again, and again, fucking Link and himself at once.

“Hey, hey, Link,” Rhett interrupts gently. “Do you still think you can take Russell in your mouth?”

“Mmm-hmm, mmm, Rhett, I want it, tell him I want it,” Link immediately answers without hesitation, and Russell is on his knees in front of him faster than Noel could blink.

“Go slow,” Rhett tells Russell with none of his earlier snappishness. “Do what he wants, don’t just try and fuck his throat.”

“What, he doesn’t like it rough? Look at him!”

“I don’t want him to get so overwhelmed that he forgets himself and comes,” Rhett corrects. “He’s only allowed to come when I’m inside him.”

Link moans and presses back all the way, his hips grinding in a circle. The dildo presses up against Noel’s prostate and he grinds back enthusiastically. 

“Mmm, Noel,” Link sighs. “Do you love this too?”

Noel can only answer with an affirmative moan. They’re both stretched open now and the dildo glides easily between them. The rhythm has become easier too, and Noel can stop thinking so much about how to move and lose himself in the feeling of being properly fucked deep and hard. It’s all too irresistible not to imagine riding the other men in the room like this, Rhett or Russell or Link behind him holding his hips as he impales himself on their rock-hard dicks again and again. Now it’s Link’s turn to be overwhelmed by Noel; the younger man’s rocking becomes shaky and unpredictable as he tries and fails to keep up.

“Noel,” he cries. “Noel, gosh, you’re so rough with me. I love it. Don’t stop, oh…”

“Easy now, love, I know you’re occupied at the moment but try not to bite me with those little kitten fangs of yours, alright?” Russell sounds almost tender. Noel can’t see, but he imagines Russell holding his short but girthy cock in his hand, sliding the foreskin down and presenting the tip to Link. “You want this? Open wide for Russell, darling.”

The mattress dips and tilts Noel forward. It’s Rhett, on his knees, holding Noel’s head steady again with his stiff cock bobbing right in front of Noel’s face. From up close it looks even bigger and it makes his ass clench around the dildo, nervous but excited. Rhett isn’t being pushy, he’s just waiting for Noel to take him in. Noel tries to send a mental signal to Link to stop moving entirely so he can concentrate. Evidently Link is not telepathic, for suddenly a hard backward thrust pushes Noel’s mouth right against the huge flared head. The musky smell of Rhett’s arousal makes him dizzy and he opens his mouth to gasp only to get a mouthful of cock. With a garbled noise Noel sucks air through his nose and tries not to pass out as Link resumes his eager bouncing and Rhett’s length fills his mouth and throat.

“Mmmh,” he bleats, looking desperately up at Rhett, who looks coolly satisfied with his helplessness. 

This is turning into one of the kinkiest nights of Noel’s life. For all his partying and sleeping around the country, Noel had never had both of his holes filled like this before. It always looks well sexy when it’s done in porn but Noel just feels half-crazed, animalistic, drooling down his chin as he sucks messily and fucks himself back on the dildo as hard as he can while making thick muffled groans. The slight humiliation of losing control in front of others only thrills him more. Link’s movements help his mouth slide up and down Rhett’s length without much effort on his part, so Noel just has to concentrate on keeping his teeth from scraping and not letting the toy in his arse fall out. Between his legs, his neglected erection drips all over the sheets as it sways back and forth freely.

After what seems like a blissful eternity, Rhett slips out and his cock presses wetly into Noel’s cheek. Noel whines, wanting it back in his mouth, but Rhett pulls away and murmurs _enough._ But it’s not enough. Noel’s lips feel stretched and used and his tongue is cramping, and he loves it. The sounds in the room are absolutely obscene. His arse makes a loud smack each time it collides with Link’s, the dildo making wet sucking noises not unlike the sound of Link swallowing Russell’s dick. Without the distraction of Rhett in his mouth, Noel is hyper-aware of everything happening around him, including the frustrated ache in his balls as his climax dangles temptingly just a little ways off. With Rhett’s manhood in his mouth and Link’s dildo up his arse, he knows he could come in mere seconds if he began to touch himself.

“I want,” he tries, and his voice breaks. “Rhett, I want…”

Rhett threads fingers through his hair. “I want it too,” Rhett tells him. “But I still need to fuck Link. I promised him.”

“I need…” Noel can’t even _speak._ God. “Rhett, I have to come, I have to come, please, touch me.”

“Not yet.” Rhett’s hand grabs the middle of the dildo again and Noel reluctantly stills his hips to let him pull it free. Once it slips from him, he does the same to the end buried in Link. His hole feels shockingly empty and his arousal simmers down, turning the flames of his lust into glowing coals waiting to re-ignite. Rhett sets the toy aside and spends some time kissing Link, and then kisses Russell for good measure. Link turns back around and lunges for Noel, kissing him with a clumsy eagerness that sets Noel’s racing heart into overdrive. He can taste a hint of Russell on Link’s tongue.

“That was so hot,” Link pants against Noel’s lips, the words tumbling out in his excitement. “Oh gosh. You were so good at that. What did you think, Noel?”

“Pretty brilliant,” Noel admits. “A little awkward at first. You’re a machine, mate!”

“I can’t wait for Rhett to fuck me. I want it so bad. I want you and Russell to watch.” Strangely enough Link still sounds adorable and charming despite the dirty words and the way he’d just fucked himself on a two-ended dildo with a man he’d only just met. 

“I want to fuck you, too,” Noel blurts, barely able to handle the sight of Link totally undone.

“I know.” Link gives an impish smile. “But Rhett won’t allow it. That’s the one line you guys can’t cross. Rhett’s the only man I’ve ever been with like that, and that’s how we like it.”

“Oh.” Noel considers this and concludes that he’s not upset. In fact, he likes the thought of Rhett not allowing Link to fuck other men. “I understand.”

“I knew you would.” Link kisses him again. “That toy was almost as good though, wasn’t it? I’m glad I finally got to use that thing with somebody. I was so shy when I had to bring it to the cashier. You wouldn’t believe how it expensive it was!”

“We should use it again sometime, get your money’s worth,” Noel suggests. _Now stop talking and get me off!_ he wants to shout. He bites his lip and caresses his own tight balls lightly, trying to relieve the ache.

“Good idea.” Link kisses his forehead. “Poor Noel, you’re so desperate. I’ll make you come soon, don’t worry.”

“And me!” Russell jumps in.

“Russell, I have a job for you first,” Rhett says. “Be a good boy and do it right, and I promise you’ll get a reward.”

Noel sits against the pillows, breathing hard and watching. Russell looks like he’s trying his hardest to bite back a joking response.

“You’re learning,” Rhett acknowledges the good behaviour. “Now get up and kneel behind Link. I want you to eat his ass and get him ready for a hard fuck.”

Russell smirks. “Getting a dildo rammed up his arse didn’t prepare him enough already?”

“I’m a lot bigger than that thing,” Rhett says, matter-of-factly. “And I plan on fucking him _hard._ I need him nice and relaxed, and so worked up that he opens right up for me when I push inside his tight ass.”

Link whimpers and drops his head, his hair brushing lightly against Noel’s rock-hard shaft. Noel strokes the glossy head carefully, resisting the urge to grab a handful of hair and fuck into Link’s mouth. Rhett’s low growl of a voice makes him feel crazy with lust.

“Well, alright, lift that sexy arse up, Link!” Russell bounces onto the bed behind Link, facing Noel. “Oi, Noel, watch how good I am at this.”

“I’m watching. How could I not be watching?”

“Cause you’ve got that sexy little bird nuzzling at your stiffy, that’s what.”

Link _is_ being very distracting. He’s rubbing his cheek along the swollen organ with his eyes half-closed and his lips parted. Noel swallows. “Just do your thing, Russell. I want to see. Lift up, Link,” he directs when Link still doesn’t move. Noel has a moment of self-doubt – who is he to give Link orders? Will Rhett punish him like he punished Russell? Noel glances at Rhett, who’s watching with hooded eyes while palming his erection lazily. Rhett meets his gaze steadily and dips his head in an approving nod.

Link obeys and gets his knees under him to present his arse to Russell, who places both palms flat on the cheeks and spreads them without preamble. 

“Wow, that looks great,” Russell exclaims fervently. “You’ve got a lovely arse, baby, and such a pretty hole. I could play with it all day. Nice and open already. I’m gonna shove my tongue up inside there and fuck you with it.”

Noel’s own hole clenches at the thought of what that would feel like for Link. Russell shoots Noel a triumphant look and blows warm air over Link’s cleft. The man gasps and grabs on to Noel’s hips, biting his lip in anticipation. 

“Russell,” he pleads. “Russell, please. Please?”

“Give him what he wants already!” Noel demands. He wants to watch Link fall to pieces in his lap, wants to slide his dick into his mouth to stifle the noises he’d make, wants Link’s sky-blue eyes looking up at him adorably with his pink lips wrapped around Noel’s manhood. He wants to come and he’s sick of waiting.

“I wanted to hear him beg for it,” Russell explains. “Shut up and watch the master at work.”

“Oh!” The first brush of Russell’s tongue on his most intimate area makes Link shudder. “Oh…oh Russell…oh, goodness…oh, Rhett, don’t let him stop…”

Noel finds the man’s lack of vulgarity endearing. He never would have thought to find anybody who’s reaction to getting their arse licked was _oh, goodness_ , like a fussy old lady who’s roses were being trampled by an errant mailman.

“You okay?” he asks quietly, and Link blinks up at him serenely before turning his attention to the upright cock an inch from his nose. “Yeah,” Noel breathes, “yeah, Link, suck it, will you?”

Link moans and opens his mouth to take in Noel’s cockhead, tongue laving over the slick sensitive skin. He brings his hand to the shaft to hold Noel’s foreskin down as an afterthought. Noel remembers that Rhett is cut and that Link hadn’t been with any other man besides Russell, and he hadn’t been able to use his hands then. It’s exciting to watch the man experience something new. Link’s face is flushed as he pulls back to catch his breath, playing with Noel’s cock and sliding the excess skin up and over the head only to pull it back again, revealing the sensitive pink head. His blue eyes peer up at Noel as if to make sure he’s doing it right. It’s even better than Noel imagined.

“Good, that’s good,” Noel praises, breathless. “Come on, come on, put it back in your mouth.”

Link tries, but Russell makes a growling noise deep in the back of his throat and closes his lips over Link’s hole to _suck_ , and Link’s teeth scrape gently on the underside of his dick as he cries out with his mouth full. Noel’s body seizes up as the pain pushes him forcefully towards the edge of bliss. 

“Suck him, Link, now’s not the time to be a tease. Noel needs to come,” Rhett urges, and Link grabs Noel’s hips and takes half of his length into his mouth before Rhett’s even finished. His cockhead bumps against the soft resistance at the back of Link’s throat, but the younger man pushes on with determination. Inch by inch, he swallows all of Noel’s cock. Tears form in his eyes as he struggles to hold it there, and Noel is beyond impressed. He’s not as big as the others here but he’s certainly not small either.

“Fuck,” he exclaims, and he can’t help but put a hand on the back of Link’s neck to hold him in place as he begins to thrust, to fuck his mouth the way Noel needs it.

“Tap my thigh if you need me to slow down,” he’s compelled to say.

“He’s fine. You can be a little rough,” Rhett says, watching with his hawk-like eyes. “You don’t have to hold back now. Go, Noel. He can take it.”

Noel curses and pushes in with more force. Link’s hands grip his thighs with surprising strength, though he doesn’t tap out. He looks up at Noel with pure neediness in his eyes as his flexible tongue moves with practiced ease.

“You havin’ a good time, Link?” Rhett asks.

“Mmm-hmmm,” Link insists, tongue curving to stimulate the underside of Noel’s cockhead. The American’s brow furrows as he tries to get a hand down to his own dick, and when he’s got his hand around it his moan makes his throat vibrate perfectly. Russell feels Link’s increased arousal and pulls back to breathe in deep before diving back in with both hands spreading Link’s cheeks wide. He shakes his head back and forth very quickly to make his tongue almost vibrate until Link makes a muffled scream.

Noel cries out and thrusts upward again and again until Link’s noises are cut short as he gags. The hand between his legs only moves faster and Noel knows that Link fucking likes it, he _likes_ gagging on Noel’s cock, and that thought alone is enough to wreck him. He can’t take it any longer. Watching Russell with his face buried in Link’s ass, eyes occasionally looking up at Noel with wicked glee, feeling Rhett’s gaze burning into him, and most of all Link’s mouth eagerly sucking his cock like a pro was all way too fucking good.

“Rhett,” Noel gets out. “Rhett, I’m going to – may I – ”

“Oh yes, Noel. Link wants to swallow. He loves sucking dick, and loves it most when we haven’t done it in a while and I’ve got…well, a lot saved up, you could say.”

“Fuck.” _Does he realize how hot that is? Loving the taste of come like that?_ He angles his hips up and rocks them in quick, sharp movements as his skin flushes and tingles, every particle of his body and soul straining towards release. 

It doesn’t take long before Noel finally begins to tip over the edge. His imminent orgasm makes his blood roar in his ears, spreading heat down to his toes and making them curl so hard they cramp. “Link, get ready, here it comes,” he bites out. His balls draw up and his cock practically _aches_ with relief as it swells and empties its load deep into Link’s mouth, splashing against the back of his throat. The younger man swallows twice without hesitation, his prominent Adam’s apple bobbing up and down in his throat.

“Link,” Noel whimpers as the rush subsides and he comes over-sensitive, and Link lets the softening cock fall from his velvety mouth.

“Was I good?” Link asks hoarsely.

“I think we found your secret superpower,” Noel tells him, honestly. “Best I ever had, I swear.”

“I definitely don’t want to know what superhero name goes along with that power.” Link licks his lips and brushes his sweaty hair off his forehead. Noel is concerned when he sees the wetness at the corners of his eyes, but Link catches him looking and gives a small shake of his head and a smile. “It’s nothing, I love it. You heard Rhett.”

“Russell, thank you, that was perfect,” Rhett says with a smile and a pat to Russell’s head. “Time for you to come, I think. Let’s just get you in position.”

Noel is confused. In position for what? Does it even matter? He’s already come. He’s just a pile of mush now and he’d do anything Rhett told him to. 

He lets himself be pushed flat on his back. Russell’s knees are just behind his head. And Link crawls forward, on his hands and knees above Noel. He grins and drops to his elbows to kiss Noel before rising back up and looking up at Russell above him. 

Rhett rubs the last of the lube over his cock and positions himself behind Link. Noel has a flash of understanding. _He’s going to fuck Link like this, and I get to watch and touch him. And Russell’s going to be able to come in Link’s mouth this time._ He likes that thought – of Link’s mouth being used by both of them. Noel wouldn’t mind trying the same thing with two or more men, having them pass him between each other and making him drink loads of come.

“Still nice and tight,” Rhett mutters. Link’s mouth widens into an O as Rhett presses himself along his back. “How bad do you want it?”

“So bad, Rhett, gosh, been waiting for you all day,” Link arches his back invitingly. “I need your big cock filling me, Rhett. Nothing else compares. Nobody else would ever compare.”

“Good,” Rhett says gruffly. “Noel, hold him up if he falls.”

Noel raises his arms and holds onto Link’s shoulders. Link looks down at him just as Rhett surges forward and pushes in, and Noel is treated to a close-up of the most expressive face he’s ever seen. Link’s eyes open wide and his eyebrows go up and his lips draw back in a little grimace of pain, then relax. He mewls, pleading and desperate. Noel rears his neck up and swallows the noise with his mouth.

“Hey, I was just about to use that,” Russell tells him mildly. “Come, Link, you want another treat for your pretty mouth? Another nice big load to eat?”

Link doesn’t even attempt to agree or argue. He just opens his mouth obediently and Russell slips himself in with a sigh. “Blimey,” he sighs, “if you give me a heart attack, just know I died happy.”

Noel stares. It’s the strangest and best sight he’s ever seen. He’s getting a weird upside-down view of Russell’s cock sliding between Link’s eager lips, spit making everything nice and shiny. He can feel, through Link, each one of Rhett’s hard thrusts. The whole bed is rocking and the cheap bedsprings creak ominously. Noel uses all the strength left in his body to help hold Link in place. 

“You’re really givin’ it to him, wow,” Russell comments happily. “You always do it like this?”

“He loves it,” Rhett grunts, his face reddened with exertion. “Just look at how much he likes havin’ both holes stuffed full. It was his idea, all of this. He’s greedy.”

Link lets out what might be a muffled sob as if embarrassed at his own needs. Russell rolls his hips forward, filling the other man’s mouth and throat. Even with his shorter length he makes Link gag, but without fail, the American follows each pained little choke with a moan to confirm how much he’s enjoying himself.

“You look perfect like this, Link,” Noel adds roughly, pinching one of Link’s nipples to make him squirm.

“Mmmh, mmh, _mmmh_ …” Link can’t seem to be quiet, even with a cock in his mouth. His own forgotten erection is practically weeping. Noel looks at it for half a second before taking it in his hand, feeling its weight and its texture and stroking his hand lightly up and down the generous length. Now that his desperation is gone he’s free to stroke leisurely, to explore every inch of Link’s manhood with his artist’s careful and intent fingertips. Eventually he takes pity and grips harder, keen on helping Link crest the wave of his climax.

Link isn’t the first one to get there. Suddenly Russell gasps and puts a hand on Link’s forehead to push him away. Link looks down at Noel’s face with wide eyes and a little smirk on his reddened mouth, realizing before Noel what Russell intends to do. Russell is jerking himself hard and fast, not bothering to make a show out of it. His hand is a blur. “Shit, shit, Link, oh, I’m close,” he gasps. “Oh fuck, oh yeah, I’m gonna come. Gonna…fuck, I’m…Rhett, love, I need – ”

“I know what you need.” Rhett leans over Link’s back and clamps a hand around Russell’s throat. Noel can only vaguely see the action from below but he hears Russell’s cry cut short and sees the hand on his cock speed up. Rhett pounds Link harder as he chokes Russell easily with his enormous hand. 

“Yeah,” Link groans, “do it, Russell, come for us. Noel is waiting. Make his pretty face all messy, I’ll clean it up.”

Noel thinks, absurdly, _Link called me pretty twice now._ And then it sinks in. _Clean what up?_ “Oh!” he has time to say in surprise before salty warmth splashes across his open mouth, across his cheekbone, over his chin. He closes his eyes on instinct and swipes his tongue around to get as much as he can into his mouth. The last few drops land right on the tip of his tongue and both Link and Russell moan at the sight. While he’s never particularly enjoyed the taste, Noel loves the attention and they way they’re looking at him now. “Mmm,” he hums for their benefit as he licks his lips clean.

“You said you’d help,” Rhett sounds very far away. “Keep your promises, Link.”

The other American is still being rocked forward with Rhett’s thrusts, but he goes down on his elbows and licks Noel’s cheek like a kitten lapping up cream. Noel opens his eyes and sees Link, looking absolutely wrecked, savouring the taste of Russell’s come with honest delight. When his face is clean, Link’s tongue shoves its way into Noel’s mouth as if wanting more. Noel is all too happy to let him suck on his tongue, a lovely sensation.

“Taste good, love?” Russell directs the question to both men. Noel wrinkles his nose but Link smiles dreamily and nods. Russell touches Link’s head tenderly. “I thought you might,” he says happily. “I drink pineapple juice, it really works, you know. You’ll all have to try it sometime straight from the source. I mean you too, Rhett,” he adds cheekily.

“Yeah,” Link moans. “Yeah…I will…”

“You look like a perfect slut, darling, doesn’t he Noel?”

Noel looks up. His face feels tacky, but he tries to ignore it. The sight before him helps. “You do, Link,” he agrees. “So fucking hot, look at you.” He takes Link’s cock in his hand again and Link’s body surges forward into his touch and back onto Rhett’s cock.

“Oh, God, Noel!” Link cries out, and does it again. “Harder…Rhett, fuck me harder, give it to me, I need to come!”

Noel speeds up his hand in time with Rhett’s increasingly hard and deep thrusts, and listens with wonder as the man known on Youtube for being sweet and conservative shouts the filthiest words imaginable. Russell croons compliments and dirty promises, and Noel is joining him without realizing it, showering Link in love and touches and praise. “Look how deep you’re taking it, love,” Russell tells him. “Gorgeous little bird. All on display for us. And you love us watching you, I know you do. I can see your big prick leaking all over Noel’s hand. You’re a messy one, hmm? I can just imagine stuffing your arse with a good prostate massager and watch you make a puddle of pre-come on my bed as I fuck you deep and slow with it.”

Rhett joins in with vigor. “I can hear what you’re thinking, baby,” he says with a playful smack to Link’s buttcheek. “Your ass is insatiable. I could tie you up in a public club and let everybody fuck your ass and you’d still want more.”

“You’re amazing,” Noel adds as his brain supplies him with a vivid gangbang fantasy scenario that leaves him feeling almost good to go a second time, which doesn’t happen often now that he’s forty-two. “Amazing, and beautiful. I wanted you from the second I saw you. And now we want you to come.”

“Yeah, come on baby, let’s see it,” Russell encourages. 

Rhett grabs two handfuls of Link’s hair and yanks his head back, driving into his ass with short powerful thrusts. Russell supports Link from the front, helping to keep him partially upright in an awkward wide-legged kneeling position that seems perfect for Rhett’s height. Noel’s arms are both free now and he’s given room to move so he scoots back and licks his palm and gets a better grip on Link’s cock. Now he can properly jerk it, with good long strokes and the little twist of the wrist that he likes to use on himself. 

Link’s eyes are practically rolling back in his head and the words spilling from his lips are no longer decipherable. “You heard ‘em,” the blond roars, his voice like honeyed thunder. “Come for me. Come for us.”

“Rhett!” Link shouts back, and just like that, he’s done. Rhett’s name turns into a groan and Link fucks into Noel’s hand one last time and comes. In their new position, the first warm spurt lands on Noel’s stomach and the second paints a line across his hip. “Aaah, fuck, fuck,” Link’s body spasms and a third gush soaks Noel’s small thatch of pubic hair. Link leans forward onto Russell, unable to hold himself up as the rest of his seed spills neatly into Noel’s palm, slick and creamy-white and tempting. Noel closes his hand and rubs his fingers into the mess to watch the little strings stick to his fingers when he pulls them apart. _There’s so much of it,_ he thinks as he plays.

“That’s my Link,” Rhett gasps. “I’m almost there, hold on.” He slams home and holds himself deep, his face gloriously flushed with exertion. Fingers scrabble mindlessly at Link’s back and leave faint red marks on the smaller man’s perfect unmarred skin. His groan is much more subdued but Noel can tell that he’s coming, emptying his big load deep inside Link’s well-fucked ass. When he’s done he follows Link’s example and leans heavily forward as well. He falls over Link’s back, and Link falls into Russell, who falls into Noel, until they’re all a big naked pile of sweaty limbs, messy with spit and lube and come all over their hands and bodies.

Link’s face has gone slack. “Oh, Rhett, I love you,” he whispers, trembling in Russell and Rhett’s arms. Noel remembers the bliss of being filled to the brim by a man he loves. The feeling of ownership, of being completely and utterly _claimed_ as the come slowly dripped from his tender opening and down the back of his thigh. Noel hasn’t felt that in a long time and appreciates the vicarious experience as Rhett pulls out gingerly and helps Link lay down on his stomach.

The world goes fuzzy for a little while, like being high, except Noel is stone-cold sober. The thought of being able to experience such a rush without the aid of drugs is pleasant. He blinks dazedly at the scene before him. Rhett is cleaning Link with a damp cloth, murmuring compliments and soothing words. Russell is lying on his back with his softening cock cupped in one hand, still panting. 

Somehow Noel wills his body to move and crawls up to lay next to his old friend. After he’s cleaned up, Link snuggles contentedly into his right side and Rhett lays next to Russell. The blond is so lanky that he can extend an arm over both Brits to touch Link.

Noel’s been in seemingly similar situations so many times before. He thinks about the height of the Boosh’s fame, the parties and the drugs and the crowds of people screaming his name, fueling his vanity, crawling into bed with him. He remembers too Russell’s horrifying tailspin from somewhat mentally messed up young man into a shadow looming right at death’s door, and the way he’d sleep with anybody for drug money. Noel hadn`t been above doing the same. After, he’d lay in a stranger’s bed with his skin crawling in disgust and his stomach rolling with nausea, afraid and ashamed and self-conscious about how ugly he must look with his makeup running and his hair a mess. His energy would be totally sapped and he’d want nothing more than to fall into unconsciousness and forget the entire night.

Noel is older now, and much wiser. Never has he felt so warm and light inside after the sex was over. He feels confident and happy. Sleepy, but not entirely drained. Rhett and Link are here because they want to be with him, not because they got high on coke and wanted to fuck a celebrity. They don’t _love_ him, because they love each other, but they care about him as a person, he can tell. They care about Russell too. 

“That was…” Russell waves a hand feebly. “Wow.”

“I feel like I did the day I got fired from my bakery job,” Noel butts in, his voice a little hoarse. “Lying on the floor full of sweets, in a cake coma.”

“Sick to your stomach?” Link asks jokingly, his face pretend-serious.

“Too full of a good thing,” Noel corrects. _And scared of the consequences._ He likes Rhett and Link quite a lot and doesn’t want to have to go outside into the lonely night and cab back to their hotel. He’s afraid of the awkward, sudden farewells. Noel is used to people leaving after sex. Everyone had done that except for Julian, and Dee of course. He’s fairly certain that Rhett and Link would be asking them to leave any minute now. But it never comes. _Do we get to sleep here, with them?_

Rhett gets up to turn out the light, and when he comes back he kisses Russell’s forehead. “Maybe we can take a trip to England and visit you guys for a weekend. Would you like that, Noel? Russell?”

Noel can think of nothing better. “Yes!” he nearly shouts, and both tall men laugh.

Russell’s eyes are black as coal with his blown pupils. “I’ve got a flat in Shoreditch,” he says, all casual, as if he wasn’t talking about one of the nicest properties in one of the trendiest and most expensive parts of London. “Call me if you ever want to come. I’ll bring Noel over ‘cause he’ll probably just be sitting at home. He’s quite boring in his old age, you know.” He brightens and wriggles like a hyper puppy, flinging a hand to the side to point at Noel and nearly smacking Link in the face. “He plays tennis now, imagine that! Noel Fielding, king of the mods, royalty of the Camden nightclubs, playing tennis in little white trainers.”

“I look well sexy in my tennis outfit! You love me in shorts.”

“You look like a witch in disguise.”

“I _am_ a witch in disguise.”

“I’d like it if we were all there,” Link breaks in, sweetly sincere, and Rhett nods in agreement. Noel is used to promises being made in bed that will seem silly in the light of day, but Rhett and Link strike him as intensely honest people. That visit was really going to happen. 

The room descends into a comfortable silence, and then Rhett yawns loudly and reaches for the remote. The telly comes on, some American cartoon that Noel recognizes but can’t name. He’s too busy glancing at the other men to pay attention to the show. Their imperfections seem magnified in the moonlight and yet somehow more beautiful. Noel can see how much grey there is in Link’s stubble, the heavy lines beneath Rhett’s eyes that may have once only appeared when he was laughing. Russell’s got an angry zit on his neck and his un-maintained eyebrows look like splattered caterpillars, the new growth betraying the unibrow he has to pluck out. It’s all beautiful. Maybe reality is better than any fantasy he could dream up.

Rhett turns on his side and pushes close to Russell. Link puts his arm over Noel’s chest and hooks a leg over his knee. Noel pulls Link’s arm even closer and tucks his face into Russell’s hair. “Love you,” he says into Russell’s ear on impulse. It’s a tender moment.

Until Russell promptly gives him a wet willy.

“You arse! What’s this about? I was being romantic!” Noel splutters and rears back.

“I couldn’t help myself,” Russell explains. “I love when you let your guard down.”

Noel rolls away from his friend and ends up half on top of Link, who takes his weight easily. “You don’t want another prank war with me, Russell. I’ll do you like I did Jack Whitehall.”

“Is that right? I’m the king of pranking.”

“The king, is that right? I s’pose you don’t want me to tell Rhett and Link about that prank call that got you and Jonathan Ross fired from the BBC?”

“That was all Jonathan,” Russell protests. “I’m far more subtle. We’ll team up, alright? You get Link and I get Rhett.”

Link’s voice is choked with laughter that vibrates through Noel’s back. “That could turn nasty. You guys really, _really_ don’t wanna know the things Rhett and I are capable of when it comes to pranks.”

Russell lets out a snort. “Right. Look at your darling little faces. You don’t have a mean bone in your body.” He leers. “Yet.”

Noel opens his mouth to speak but Link beats him to the punch. “And just what happened the last time you underestimated us?”

“Behave, boys,” Rhett breaks in sternly. “Before I have to start punishing you.”

Noel is sorely tempted. Link reads the slight tension in his body and kisses Noel’s pulse point with a giggle that’s far from innocent.

The weekend in Shoreditch couldn’t come fast enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what I've done, but it's happening now.  
> Fans of Russell & Noel - please watch Good Mythical Morning!  
> Fans of GMM - Watch Big Fat Anniversary Quiz 2015, or The Mighty Boosh.


End file.
